when prayer changes...

it was over the noise and chaos of dinner the other night that i heard her familiar question asked around an unfamiliar table.

words were flying all over the place so i'm surprised i heard it,

but not really surprised she asked it...

if that makes sense.

our olivia?

she's bold.

her emotions, her voice, her actions, her frustrations, and even her sleep - it's all done loudly.

all of it.

i don't know how many times i have to remind her that she doesn't have to shout in my face - my ears work just fine.

or they did...

either way, if she feels strongly about something, it's done with strong emotion.

her love for Jesus?

strong.

and she has no idea how there is anyone out there beyond our four walls who doesn't love Jesus...

so she has made it her personal mission to find out just who those people are.

and why.

she could care less if it makes you uncomfortable, she wants to know the state of your heart because a heart without Jesus just doesn't make sense to an olivia that loves Him so.

so, when i heard her turn to her newest friend over hot dogs and hamburgers and ask the inevitable question, i smiled.

because when his little face beamed back at her that yes, he did know Jesus, her shoulders relaxed and her summer-bare feet kicked and she shouted right back in his face that she did too.

and her quest to know was stilled for another day,

but i was left to wonder...

i stood behind that counter on friday.

friday is ice-cream day and my hands were sticky from a melted mess and there was one guy who walked in with ear-buds blaring and cap pulled down and he leaned against the edge and wouldn't meet my eyes.

little ones i can talk to.

the older girls? there's always something to find common ground over - hair, clothes, make-up...

but a boy on the edge of being a man?

i am at a loss.

and really, i think they may be at a loss too.

i mean, i'm tony's wife and i'm a thousand years old and what do i know about what they know and so canipleasehavemyicecreamandgetthisawkwardmomentoverwithasfastaspossible?  thank you very much.

so i did what i do and made small talk about school and kept it light and laughed at my own jokes as i put that first scoop in the cone when he took out that one ear-bud and blurted out a sentence of pain.

and i set down the spoon and let the ice cream drip while it all poured out and he stood there at the end broken.

my first thought wasn't to ask him if he knew Jesus.

why did i stand there wishing that i knew how to make his pain stop when i know very well Who can bind up his brokenness?

Jesus, He is so easy to talk about with like-minded friends - with those you suspect just might know Him too. but when the faces across the counter will barely crack a smile...

i am ashamed at my lack of courage.

because why am i there if not to share the love of Jesus? why am i there if not to be His Heart to those places that are gasping for Hope?

my prayer changed this weekend.

olivia has the bold gene...

she didn't get it from me.

but the God Who can take faith, tiny and small, and move mountains with it? He can take my fear and grow deep and bold courage from it...

i just have to say yes.

and it was on a quiet weekend evening that i read these words...

scripture describes a radical, reoriented life for those who trust

Christ - one full of living for the invisible and the future. it is a life

fully surrendered to an invisible God whose agenda for my time here

is contrary to my own, a life very different from the safe, comfortable

one i was creating.

i started craving something that had never seemed acceptable to

me until that day...a reckless faith, a faith where i knew God was

real because i needed Him, a faith where i lived surrendered, obedi-

ent, a faith where i sacrificed something...comfort or safety or practicality...

something. but my heart raced faster when i thought 

of it, and something about it resonated.

stepping out wholly dependent on God to come through, step-

ping away from what is secure and comfortable exposes the holes

in our faith. and then if God comes through, it expands our faith.

something about stepping off cliffs where God leads allows God the

opportunity to move in greater ways. when we step off and He shows

up, we see Him differently than we would if we were standing safely

looking over the edge.

jennie allen - anything

my prayer changed this weekend...

and all He needed was my yes to begin moving and growing a boldness and courage that would terrify me if it wasn't for the fact that i said that yes to that risk in the first place.

and the gene that makes olivia so bold in her asking? it's in His blood that was poured out for her. 

for me.

for you.

sometimes it just takes a little longer to surface in some than in others...

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation

 to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.

For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, 

“The righteous shall live by faith.” (Romans 1:16-17, ESV)

a gift picked up, put away, put back

2187. carton of strawberries

2188. end of the day mess

2189. laundry soap for another load

3 gifts about you

2190. desire for Jesus

2191. love of baking

2192. getting to teach my little ones at home

3 gifts found in His Word

2193. He gives direction and purpose

2194. it's all full of His breath

2195. hope that changes me

a gift in a box, a bag, a book

2196. 2 pies

2197. books bundled together

2198. glimpses of grace in the gift of family come near

3 gifts unexpected

2199. a reminder for sanctuary on saturday

2200. a day turned around

2201. a kitchen done and a friend washing my floors

3 gifts from your childhood

2202. memories of puppy breath relived

2203. love of quiet sunday afternoons

2204. that chocolate chip cookie recipe

a gift sweet, sour, salty

2205. a hug from my aunt and uncle

2206. a small bowl of yogurt before bed

2207. peanut butter stuffed pretzels

3 gifts found in little people

2208. imagination

2209. arms-flung-wide hugs

2210. trust

3 gifts that made you laugh

2211. coffee with a friend

2212. tony's protective eye-wear

2213. olivia's frog dance

3 gifts found in community

2214. bob - willing to hold zeruiah

2215. gane - sittin with lyla and her schoolwork

2216. christina - the way she loves olivia

a gift in a plate, pot, package

2217. cloudy day banana bread

2218. fresh roses

2219. canadian chocolate

3 gifts hard giving thanks for

2220. little one messes - it's only for a season

2221. an unknown - He knows

2222. risk taking - isn't really a risk in His Hands

a gift worn, white, whispered

2223. mama-weariness

2224. late spring clouds

2225. lyla-secrets

3 gifts found in church

2226. children's program

2227. a re-grounding for the week

2228. receiving communion

3 gifts in today's work

2229. cleaned home

2230. completed school work

2231. midnight nursing

a gifts at 8am, 12pm, 8pm

2232. everyone fed and dressed

2233. a home ready for guests

2234. one last story before bed

3 gifts blue

2235. zeruiah's blue eyes

2236. my favorite pen found

2237. the sky at dusk

3 gifts you gave today

2238. a listening ear

2239. a hug

2240. a bedtime prayer

3 gifts orange

2241. that new book

2242. washing lyla's giraffe shirt

2243. orange slices in my water

3 gifts funny

2244. liv boxing with jake in the church foyer

2245. tony's random songs

2246. she turned 5 months old laughing...

{the grace series will continue on wednesday...}

to the woman-who-thinks-she's-a-failure...

i get it.

i really do.


and that one moment of failure?

it can have you locked still with your eyes on what's burning down behind you.


i sometimes wonder if that's why she was told to not look back -

that maybe it was because she'd never be able to look forward again.


and eyes that could see vibrant colours, a mouth that could laugh joyful, ears that heard the sweet voices of her children...

all crumbled to a salty dust.


and what all lay before her was no more,

what was behind her was drifting away in ash,

and the woman only known as lot's wife?

she stood frozen in the space between.



failure has this way of bringing out the worst in us - we either turn a blind eye and inwardly rot, or we remain glued to what was and become the hardened living and either way,

either way,

we crumble.


i get it.


moving forward, placing that one dragging foot in front of the other seems wrong.

that moving forward doesn't seem right, because you chose the foolish way and living out your faith seems a mockery because a christian should be better than you have been...


i've heard it,

i've cupped that poison in my own frozen hands and felt my hope and my failures drain me all away.



and there is a death that happens on the road from sodom to zoar, a death that happens in that broken place between what was and where you are heading to.


and that could be the end.

it could be.


except for Jesus.


please wait, because yes, it does seem too simple,

and yes,  you did mess up

and yes, you could have made a different choice...

but just stop for a minute,

you're already standing there frozen anyways...


Jesus.

let Him near?

let Him breathe over you, stirring your heart and that hope you let go of and fill your lungs up again.


breathe deeply,

because you are not defined by what you have done - you are defined by Whose you are and you,

woman-who-thinks-she's failed,

you are His.


and when you are His, with failures and brokenness and sin splattered all over you,

He only sees Jesus.

He sees the Holy One Who boldly took your place.


so take that step - that frozen, halting step.

move your foot forward and then move the other one too,

let the wind blow the dust of death off of you, because you are not some shell of a woman lifeless and without use...


you are His and He will use even the salt that caked your face dry to cause a thirst in some other parched heart

and you will find that what left you frozen will lead you to His water that never runs low.


you are not a failure.

you don't have to be stuck between what has been and the elusive what-could-be...


His heart is there, thrumming deep inside you -

it's time to start moving forward again.

come and hear, all you who fear God,

and i will tell what He has done for my soul.

psalm 66:16

3 gifts found in Christ
2118. sitting in the hot sun with a sister-in-Jesus, sharing our hearts over His Word
2119. relationships deepened
2120. when we have been with Him, others can see (acts 4:13)

3 gifts close
2121. his kisses in the warm sun
2122. teaching the girls to read all pressed in close
2123. the younger 3 tackling me in bed

3 gifts reflecting
2124. sleepy mornings in front of the fridge
2125. moonlight on grass
2126. remembering lyla small

3 gifts fragile
2127. gramma's ring
2128. lyla's heart
2129. the smallness of zeruiah

a gift cloth, steel, wood
2130. those dish cloths
2131. his commitment to us
2132. cherry trees all in a line

3 gifts moving
2133. that crazy strong wind
2134. her hand on my cheek
2135. days that speed by

3 gifts "ugly beautiful"
2136. a back that seizes - move slow
2137. a "from scratch yard" - endless possibilities
2138. sibling conflict - learning to work out the hard things

3 gifts orange
2139. deeauna
2140. robin
2141. those shoes on my feet. :)

3 gifts in dirt
2142. candy tuft. lots. of. candy. tuft.
2143. that one purple tulip
2144. new grass coming up

a gift given, made, sacrificed
2145. tony's promise
2146. our babies
2147. saying not to what i really wanted

3 gifts tasted
2148. the second cup of coffee - with a friend
2149. blueberry yogurt
2150. home-canned peaches

3 gifts flat
2151. fedex parcels arriving right on time
2152. made up songs by sisters in the back seat
2153. the folded laundry pile

3 gifts found in difficult people
2154. a strengthening in my spirit
2155. tony and i drawing closer
2156. to realize it's not a competition

3 gifts before 9am
2157. sunrise sightings
2158. early morning coffee
2159. the start of a journey

a gift in a sign, a smile, a snack
2160. that hidden inn on the mountain
2161. that they had intense children too
2162. strawberry icecream-on-a-stick

3 gifts found in Christ
2163. that i am found in Him
2164. i may know Him and the power of His resurrection
2165. my righteousness comes from faith in Jesus Christ

3 gifts about your home
2166. the light
2167. the improved kitchen
2168. that we are all together under this roof

3 gifts inside a closet
2169. a mess of hand-me-downs
2170. organized jackets
2171. all those canned peaches

3 gifts found in the dark
2172. soul-changing prayer
2173. cricket song
2174. cool breezes

a gift outside, inside, upside down
2175. a mowed lawn
2176. my kitchen ceiling
2177. that we are here

3 gifts about your parents
2178. married 40 years
2179. all those years of piano lessons despite my complaining
2180. raised me to love a wide-open alberta sky

3 gifts held in hand today
2181. 7 week old barney
2182. all of their hands at some point
2183. that rose - thorns and all

3 gifts found in your mother
2184. passed on her love of reading
2185. taught me how to iron a man's shirt the right way
2186. that her birthday was yesterday...

when you begin a journey...

i still remember the naming of her all those years ago.

she was named with intention.

she was named with preconceived notions of what her names would mean for her.


i had no idea how my life was about to change with the arrival of this daughter.

i had no idea how much i didn't understand.


grace is like that.

for many years, i lived as a believer in God, but i did not live 

from God. i was a child of the God of grace, but i was looking for

life in the law.

emily p. freeman

i am a good girl and grace terrifies me. i don't understand it. I don't know how to live with it or extend it or even, to be honest, how to receive it.

i am a good girl whose mistakes and rebellions have put a smudge, or twenty, all over the word good. 

but i am a christian, shouldn't all christian girls be...good?

the word grace - it gets thrown around like i should know what it means, but i don't.

i don't.

almost 30 years since my first prayer and all i know is that this one word leaves me uncomfortable, raw and ready to run.

and yet this one word, this one that sounds like silk, that whispers rest and peace and all good things i am not - it is everywhere. it won't let me go. or maybe, more accurately, He won't let me go. and His Hand, it finds me in that book that i keep signing out at the library. the one that claims it's for the good girls and i can't get past the first page because i  know i am not. but the numerous check-outs from that library counter is becoming ridiculous and so i finally just sit down and read.

and i can't stop.

because His grace isn't for the good ones. 

they don't exist.

His grace is for all and He offers it, scarred Hands outstretched to the broken and sin-weary and to every good girl who hides her mess with a mask.


it's for all of us.

it's an intimate journey, this pursuing of grace - because it weaves it's way into the most public of areas and the places deep and still. but it's a pursuing of hope, because God's grace is so very rich, so very life changing and dripping with mercy and for the last month or so, i've sensed His invitation to come and discover what His grace really means.

i don't know if there is anyone who will join me, if there is anyone who needs to discover and know for themselves too, but this is what i'll be doing over the next few weeks here, with His Word and this book and stepping out from fear and into His scandalous love.

i won't be publishing these posts on facebook and i may or may not turn off comments...because this is a quiet discovery, and i feel that this space needs that stillness too.

but every journey no matter how big or how small has the great capacity to take you places where you have never been and more often than not, a journey is so much more enjoyable when you don't travel alone. so maybe you need to place your feet in the footsteps of Jesus to discover how deep His grace towards you is - and maybe you wouldn't mind if i tagged along too.

but that first step? it is one that stands on the truth of thankfulness...

and whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do everything in the 

Name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father

through Him.

colossians 3:17 esv

a gift in bag, in a box, in a book
2100. coffee
2101. all those blocks, made by his uncle
2102. grace. grace

3 hard eucharisteos
2103. nothing is wasted
2104. brokenness
2105. really seeing

3 gifts woven together
2106. confession and repentence
2107. joy and sorrow
2108. His beauty and our ashes

3 gifts inherited
2109. gramma's teacups
2110. her engagement ring on my finger
2111. his hair, just like his daddy's

3 gifts square
2112. homemade invites
2113. patch of moonlight
2114. broken prayers on paper

a gift stacked, stashed, stilled
2115. those dishes
2116. that irish pasta
2117. the 3 older ones piled on top of me just before bed

when it's hard to be still...

"be still, and know that I Am God,

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!"

psalm 46:10

in light of tragedies and loss and and bombs and fear and all those unknowns...


sometimes it's okay to quiet.

to slow.

i don't think you have to know the answers,

though we would like them.

sometimes restlessness rages in because there must be *something* you can do...

and there are times for that.

but sometimes,

maybe the better thing

is just to sit in His presence.

to allow Him to quiet your heart from all those fears and from all the unknowns.


and maybe it's naive -

that mama and i talked in that playground last week,

we talked of those "what ifs",

what if, as we sat there on that green, a bullet flew and one of us died,

if one our children were struck,

what then?

and she said it quiet,

i would still trust Him.  i would. because i know where we are going and i know Who is in control.  but maybe that's foolish.  a lot of my friends think so...

and i looked at her and i shared what we've lost. i shared of that horrid new year's eve and the life we lost in the softly falling snow.  i looked at her and i told her that it's faith. it's trusting in a good God when everything else falls apart.

because when it all seems good, when everything seems to be going our way, that is precisely when we need to plant those seeds of faith...

so that when it all falls apart, when everything around us explodes in chaos and all those unknowns fly in the air around us, we can rest in His presence,

maybe not knowing the whys, but knowing, so very deep down, that He is good. 

3 gifts round
2058. mug of coffee
2059. crispy apple
2060. that dimple under her lip

3 gifts white
2061. clean teeth
2062. lazy, hazy clouds
2063. apple blossoms in those orchards

3 gifts surprisingly found
2064. kindred spirits
2065. matching socks
2066. common ground

3 gifts in His Word
2067. luke 10:22 - my name is in heaven
2068. romans 1:12 It is a gift to be encouraged by another's faith
2069. acts 2:28 - He shows us the path to life - being with Him is joy

3 gifts @ 11AM, 2PM, 6PM
2070. school chaos
2071. nap snuggles with zeruiah
2072. laughter at MH

3 gifts nailed together
2073. this house
2074. the fence the  neighbour fixed
2075. my desk

3 gifts waited for
2076. that abused dog we adopted - her tail finally wagged when she saw us!
2077. vacation plans finalized
2078. those cherry trees to bloom

3 gifts raising up
2079. 8 hours of sleep uninterrupted
2080. seeing beauty in our ashes
2081. watching the sun come up in the early nursing hours

a gift hiding, held, heard
2082. elias under his blanket
2083. zeruiah snuggled up in that ergo
2084. lyla singing

3 gifts opened up
2085. yellow tulips
2086. jar of salsa
2087. a book avoided too long

3 gifts budding/blooming
2088. our japenese weeping willow
2089. hyacinths
2090. those flowers hanging over our fence

3 gifts worn
2091. that circle of gold and diamonds on my finger
2092. skin stretched, changed
2093. zeruiah's tears

3 gifts bright
2094. date night
2095. all their smiles
2096. 6 AM morning light

3 gifts found looking up
2097. dark rain clouds
2098. the cross that points to hope
2099. tony's hope beyond circumstances

and it's in the little ways,

the small thanks that keep me quiet before Him.

He is here - even when it's chaos,

even when it's scary and we don't understand.

Jesus is here and i quiet my heart before Him...

(and huge thank you to Gravrock Photography for including our little family in the pictures at Madison House...a gift treasured.)

she was once someone's little girl...

i heard the yelling before i fully comprehended the words.

i think i was more focused on all those eyes focused on the same spot across the street.


there is a row of brick houses, walls and foundations all joined together, and there are some who sit out on their front stops each day, no matter the weather.

it was there the yelling was coming from.


i turned and listened as the red faced woman faced us and screamed,

i am the lord thy god!!!!

over and over these words poured from her lips, 

over and over she screamed to the group of kids across the street.

it didn't take long for her to collapse.

this woman all weighted down with what warred inside of her,

she fell to her knees and began barking like a dog...

and one girl,

one young girl with sad eyes stood transfixed.

so i stood in front of her,

i said her name and she looked up at me with this look i can't forget and she whispered,

do you think she's got the devil in her?

and i told her i didn't know. i didn't know why she was acting the way she was - that there could be a hundred different reasons for a mind to break from reality.

but it was my first thought.

that morning i had read in the book of luke in chapter nine of a father who begged Jesus to heal his son. this boy who was at the mercy of the demonic and the ESV, it puts it this way,

'...and behold, a spirit seizes him, and he suddenly cries out. it convulses him so that he

foams at the mouth, and shatters him, and will hardly leave him...' (vs. 39)

it was those three words that caught my attention in the early hours and it was those three words that came back to me as i looked at this wild woman rolling around in the grass and the mud...

she was shattered.

broken.

evil wreaks havoc on humanity and Jesus is the only One Who can heal.

i thought of her as i drove home,

thought of her late into the evening not even knowing her name,

but instead of being scared, 

instead of thinking of her as crazy,

all i could picture as i thought of her shattered-ness laid bare before everyone around...

she's someones daughter.

somewhere, at sometime, she was someone's little girl who spun in sunshine and laughed at the ridiculous and had hopes and dreams that along the way became shattered and broken and any hope she had was replaced with a mind howling through the dark.

the broken are all around us - and as Easter Sunday passes and gives way to Everyday Monday, i wonder can the broken make their way to Him through me?

it's that story in luke that keeps bringing me back - how the disciples failed the father, but through their failings, they led him to Jesus - to the only One who could heal that someone's son.

He takes the twisted and the shattered - you and me - the ones who lie splayed out on our brokenness and He binds up those wounds, because it was for those wounds, for the brokenhearted ones that He came. 

He gives us freedom.

He rebuilds what has been shattered.

He takes the sons and daughters of all those someones and makes them His very own...

3 gifts red

2016. Lyla's love of ketchup

2017. bowl-full of peppers

2018. my kiss on my little boy's cheek

3 gifts eaten

2019. canadian smarties

2020. canadian chocolate

2021. melted mozzarella 

3 gifts that made you laugh

2022. my daughters

2023. my son

2024. my husband

3 gift salty, sweet, just right

2025. homemade spaghetti sauce

2026. a caramel latte

2027. banana peppers

3 gifts found in His Word

2028. He heals the shattered

2029. He uses our little

2030. death is conquered

3 gifts found in women today

2031. gane - planting that tree

2032. gina - loving my littles

2033. deaunna - speaking encouragement 

3 gifts spoken

2034. forgiveness

2035. "this place is FLOODED with cows!!" (says olivia on a drive through the country)

2036. "why come?" (says lyla who never asks "how"? :) )

a gift sung, written, painted

2037. elias - "10,000 reasons" with his little head thrown back singing loudly in praise behind me as i drive

2038. livie writing "mom"

2039. lyla's "rock dog" by our front door

3 gifts almost gone

2040. zeruiah's second month

2041. that last tea bag

2042. lyla's little years

3 gifts redeemed

2043. my mama-ing - every. single. day.

2044. broken relationships turned around in the next generation

2045. our silly new dog

3 gifts entwined

2046. his heart and mine

2047. our dreams for the future

2048. our arms while we sleep

3 gifts of His promises

2049. death is defeated

2050. He is coming back

2051. in Him, i'm new

3 gifts uncovered

2052. the unlovely is loved by Him

2053. He doesn't allow you to look away from the hard things

2054. sometimes what is revealed causes you to cling tighter

a gift heard, held, hoped for

2055. lyla singing, "o happy day" at the top of her lungs in the Easter Service

2056. Livie dancing behind me

2057. that grass to grow in

when the snow starts falling again...

the snow is falling and my heart is breaking for a friend on the other side of the world.

i wake up through the night because my youngest is hungry and i lift up this friend to the One Who never sleeps.

i grieve for the children who lose their mama and i cry for the friend who feels the distance from home.

and i read of His hard call and i pray the hard prayers  and i feel so very small.

the mornings find me in the pages of Luke, walking the first eight chapters over the last eight weeks. it's His Words in verse 15 that lift my eyes towards hope,

as for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in 

an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience.

i don't remember where i read it, but i remember what francis chan said on those pages - he said, don't assume you are the good soil. just because i belong to a north american church, just because i darken its doors on monday and wednesday and sunday, that my heart is the soil that is soft.

how often is it hard?  when news is sad and it hurts to feel, when my day is interrupted or my plans fall through or i just plain don't want to do the right thing?  how often do i let thorns and weeds creep up - those stones to rise to the surface and what has been planted dies and withers before it even has a chance?  

don't assume.

instead, be attentive, tend to the soil...see what is keeping me from holding fast to Him with an honest and good heart so that fruit can be produced.

those verses in colossians keep coming back - that bearing fruit is tied so strongly to giving joyful thanks - even when it is hard.  even through a voice choked with tears. 

the psalmist knew it too - felt it deep down when he penned the words,

may those who sow in tears reap with shouts of joy.

psalm 126:5

and the snow keeps falling, my heart keeps breaking for the friend so far away...

but i till the soil of my heart with the deep furrows of thanksgiving, trusting that what He plants will grow strong and give Him glory in time.

3 gifts found when bent down

1890. zeruiah's dimple

1891. working on legos with lyla

1892. those hugs they all give

a gift stitched, hammered, woven

1893. the blanket from my aunt

1894. the hope chest my grampa made

1895. that bird feeder lyla put together

3 gifts found outside

1896. hanging blankets on the railing - captured smell of sun!

1897.early morning frost

1898. warm enough to play

a gift at 11:30am, 2:30pm, 6:30pm

1899. his little-boy i love you

1900. a nap with my baby

1901. quiet reading with the older 3

a gift broken, fixed, thrifted

1902. spilled crayons

1903. saying, i'm sorry

1904. his "new" shoes

3 surprise gifts - unexpected grace!

1905. seeing a face i've missed

1906. a morning to sleep in

1907. a hidden piece of chocolate

3 times you heard laughter today

1908. both girls in the early morning

1909. elias' deep belly laugh

1910. making tony laugh

3 gifts in working

1911. math problems that cause tears - conquered!

1912. seeing his joy

1913. going to bed exhausted

3 hard eucharisteos

1914. all those squabbles

1915. misunderstandings

1916. admitting i'm wrong

3 gifts behind a door

1917. dust bunnies cleaned up

1918. all those faces we love

1919. her smile when i walk in the door

3 ways you feel the love of God

1920. a sunlit-filled kitchen

1921. the love of my husband

1922. the happy face of a daisy

a gift in losing, finding and making something

1923. getting to try again

1924. words i had forgotten

1925.sharing bread

3 gifts in shadows

1926. his face in early morning

1927. an evening away

1928. candlelight on his face

3 gifts found giving/serving

1929. full tummies

1930. friendships deepened

1931. more love for my family poured in

3 gifts on paper

1932. an unexpected parcel

1933. love letter to zeruiah from cousins

1934. a journal filling

3 gifts that were "plan b's"

1935. here

1936. school in afternoon

1937. letting elias' hair keep growing

a gift at breakfast, lunch, dinner

1938. farm fresh eggs

1939. apple quesidillas 

1940. baked pancakes

3 gifts white

1941. all that paper for her to draw on

1942. that tiny sleeper

1943. the softest blanket

3 gifts that changed today

1944. a drive in the country

1945. that book on prayer

1946. the hug of a friend

a gift of tin, glass, wood

1947. those peaches

1948. my morning mug of coffee

1949. him cutting down that tree

3 gifts before 11am

1950. the quiet nursing moments

1951. listening to him breathe in sleep

1952. all ready for church on time!

a gift worn out, new, made-do

1953. lyla's sneakers

1954. all those hand-me-downs

1955. that thrown together dinner (turned out pretty good!)

3 gifts seen as reflections

1956. smudges on windows

1957. them all in the rear-view mirror

1958. watching him play

3 ugly-beautiful gifts

1959. messy living room floor - kids live here!

1960. sick baby - extra snuggles

1961. hard stories - trust

3 gifts from the past - that help you trust the future

1962. our marriage vows

1963. each stage of a child - just a season that passes too quickly

1964. the road to here

3 gifts at 3pm

1965. tony taking a sad lyla on a quiet date

1966. a handful of tulip bulbs from a sweet neighbour

1967. a promise of a housefull of potential friends moving in next door this summer

3 gifts green

1968. the green in elias' eyes

1969. fresh cucumbers

1970. fun green pasta noodles

3 gifts wore

1971. sunshine on my head

1972. dirt from the flower beds on my knees

1973. tears for a friend halfway around the world

when it might be winter...

it's not having a newborn that is keeping this place quiet...no, it's my heart.

there's a lot going on in the quiet and deep places and if there really are seasons like i'm reading about, i think i might be knee deep in the dead of winter.

but not in a bad way,

just a quiet way.

and there's no way out without first going through...


and i'm okay with that.

she turned seven and then we opened our door for super bowl (and yes, this is probably random and the most awkward transition - i'm okay with that too.) and our home was filled once again with the loud and the laughter and the kids that we love so deeply.

but it wasn't until the next morning that i stood out on our front stoop to kiss him good bye that i noticed that board hung up by our front door.

i'm not going to pretend that i understand everything about tagging - i think i know that each tagger has his own name, his own symbol and if we look close enough now as we drive down those streets, i can point out who has done what where...

and before,

before this job, before these kids, graffiti to me was a messy, ugly, destruction of property - and in some cases, it is. in some cases, it is meant to be cruel, it is meant to destroy and bring down - but in some cases, the one behind that spray can is actually creating art.

i didn't know that until i began to know these kids.


i didn't know how beautiful it all could be until i began to see it through their eyes.


my house got tagged on sunday - in a small and not large way.  it took me a minute to decipher it, but as i pointed it out to tony, i couldn't help but grin.


there is beauty in the messy.

i need to believe that right now...


because sometimes we can make a huge mess of things, take a big old spray can filled of whatever you want and make a big old ugly disaster of your life and nothing short of a miracle can ever clean it up.

at least, that's what it feels like,

that's what it can look like,

in the very dead of winter.

sometimes it can take a minute to decipher through everything you've scrambled up before you can see His Hand held open and ready to take your own and make something beautiful out of it.


and it's okay to take that minute.  it's okay to move slow.  it's okay to not rush through...

so i'm not.

i'm trying to be patient as i wait for Him, wait for His Hands to move.

and while i wait, i keep trying to give thanks...

3 startling graces of God
1827. a good, kind husband
1828. that i have carried 5 babies and held 4 in my arms
1829. the way He paints the sky the deepest rose and indigo

a gift worn, given away, shared
1830. elias' tears
1831. dinner from julie
1832. our date-night in (and all those m&m's!)

3 witnessed blessings
1833. lyla's growing confidence
1834. no post-partum depression this time around
1835. the way zeruiah is loved already by others

a gift bringing laughter, prayer, quiet
1836. liv's humor
1837. broken relationships
1838. everyone sleeping

3 gifts from God's Word
1839. startling conviction
1840. zacheriah and how obedience ='s an open, praising mouth
1841. that He offers tender mercy

3 gifts that might never have been
1842. lyla and livie
1843. him and me
1844. our friendships here

3 gifts only seen close up
1845. the mess on the table
1846. lyla's freckles (that she detests)
1847. the constant search for that binkie...

a gift in sky, water, memory
1848. a grey, dreary day
1849. 4 clean little ones
1850. how zeruiah keeps reminding me of the small, first moments with lyla

a gift wrinkled, smoothed, unfolded
1851. her hand clutching my neckline while she nurses
1852. a lunchtime invite from a dear friend
1853. the hard stories we are trusted to hear

3 gifts found in Christ
1854. strength for when i'm weary
1855. He gives wisdom for the searching
1856. secure salvation

3 things blue
1857. the way elias loves frozen blueberries
1858. z's blue-black eyes
1859. glimpses of the blue sky through all that grey

a grace borrowed, found, inherited
1860. those science books
1861. the way they remember
1862. that sense of humor they all seem to have

a gift before dawn, at noon, after dark
1863. 4 am snuggles
1864. full plates = full tummies
1865. an unexpected date night

3 gifts found in the kitchen
1866. that big ol' jar of peanut butter
1867. time in His Word at that old, old kitchen table
1868. homemade granola bars

3 graces found in friends
1869. quiet, thoughtful in-box notes
1870. coffee visits around my table with some apple-cider caramels thrown in
1871. new friends who feel gloriously old

a song heard, a soft word, light seen
1872. worn - because i was
1873. his morning whispers of love
1874. a sun break

3 old things seen new
1875. her 7 year old face
1876. her beautiful eyes
1877. the way her hands still curl when she sleeps

a gift on paper, in a person, in a picture
1878. z's dedication certificate
1879. a visit with a friend who keeps pointing me to Jesus
1880. that He provides what i need

3 gifts red
1881. lyla's flushed cheeks
1882. red chalk dust on my fingers
1883. zeruiah's lips

3 gifts on paper
1884. a pretty banner to celebrate - well worth the late night before
1885. words of love for lyla on a birthday card
1886. that her daddy wrapped all of her gifts

3 gifts found in writing
1887. my home that has been tagged
1888. my gramma's writing hung up on my fridge...gone 10 years and she still points me to His Word
1889. the way they write their names

fifteen days...

do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,

by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving,

make your requests known to God.

philippians 4:6

this big old world has spun through fifteen days and i hold her close with one hand.

monday found me in tears at 4 in the morning as the last piece that connected us fell off sometime during the dark of the night...

and this small one, this baby girl who squeaks throughout the moments i should be sleeping,

she holds me captivated.


i was so scared of all the changes she would bring, what it meant for each one of us, the late nights.  i know the darkness of depression that seemed to settle after each little one entered our family and the more i tried to prepare myself, the more afraid i became...


a balm can be described as a soothing, healing or comforting agent. and this is what she has been.  i whisper her name over her soft, downy head and i call her for what she is, our balm from God.


there have been moments that have dipped low, tears come easily, messes can overwhelm, 2 am can echo loud, but i am learning, finally, after the fourth newborn has been placed in my arms that moving slow isn't the worst that can happen.

she fusses with a tummy sore and i can feel my heart rate speed up, the older three press in close as she fights against my arms and i want to flail my hands in any direction that can lead us all to peace, that can make it all right again, but the agitation in all of us becomes worse...


until i breathe deep and close my eyes so that my heart can find Jesus and when i slow, they settle and the pressing in no longer pushes me away; instead, it finds me grounded.


she finds my heartbeat to fall asleep - presses her dark head against my chest.  her skin is no longer wrapped up within my own, our bodies no longer connected with that pulsating cord...but she settles when i whisper her name.  she recognizes me.

and in the moments i slow, i try and whisper thanksgivings - a lifeline that keeps me attached to Jesus...

what if in stead of discounting the current moment, the uncontrollable, the simply given - what if i counted it - and on the God who controls it all?

what if all our running around is only our trying to run away from God - the great I AM, present in the present moment?

what if i woke to now and refused to hurry because i didn't want to refuse God?

what if i didn't discount this moment but counted it for what it is - God here?

it is only the present moment alone that holds the possibility  of coming into the presence of God. look around, breathe deep, enter into this one moment.

now could be an altar. this time could be a tabernacle.

in God, there is no time, only eternity - or more simply, only now. His name is I AM. here - wherever my feet are - is where i can love Him.

ann voskamp

3 gifts heard

1788. olivia's bless you me when she sneezes

1789. lyla's need for reassurance

1790. elias' belly laugh

a gift outside, inside, on a plate

1791. my newborn baby girl - straight from the womb

1792. the prayer my midwife said

1793. a long awaited lunch!

3 graces you overheard

1794. my older three meeting my younger one

1795. the way he tells me he loves me

1796. listening to her breathe in the dark stillness of night

a gift old, new, blue

1797. to be a mama again

1798. zeruiah

1799. a new journal and nest placed in my hands

something you're reading, making, seeing

1800. your God is too safe

1801. our family of six!  SIX!

1802. his mama and sister and our nephews - a full, full home.

one thing in your bag, your fridge, your heart

1803. the Bible he gave me

1804. the meal graciously given

1805. the peace only He can give

3 graces from people you love

1806. miles traveled

1807. a sister, a niece, a nephew

1808. knowing and loving for 17 years

dusky light, surprising reflection, lovely shadow

1809. my youngest nestled close in the early morning

1810. my body, no longer filled

1811. days slowly getting longer

a gift held, passed by, sat with

1812. her head, just over my heart

1813. a heap of cousins playing

1814. elias, curled up on my lap

a gift sour, sweet, just right

1815. tiny upset tummies

1816. the way he unconditionally love sme

1817. a house full and bursting

3 yellow gifts of fresh mercy

1818. unexpected flashes of sun

1819. the many diapers of a newborn

1820. patch of sun on elias' face

something above, below, beside 

1821. that blue, blue sky above us

1822. zeruiah's silky hair beneath my chin

1823. a visit with tabitha

3 things about yourself you are grateful for

1824. my body that cradles and nourishes

1825. that i was made just for tony

1826. my arms that can hold all four of my babies close