twirling and such...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

...sometimes i foolishly look at lyla and think her innocence will stay with her her whole entire life. for some reason the thought of her twirling and dancing on one square of tile in a coffee shop when she's twenty doesn't sound silly. why would it, she finds such joy in doing so now.
...sometimes i hold livie while she is deeply asleep and i foolishly think that she will go through life without ever having a broken heart. who would break her heart, she's so precious now.

...i will gladly have my heart broken for livie and look silly for lyla just so they could go through life unscathed. but i know that's not possible. i know that in time, the twirling in public will stop. i know that at some point i will be holding a sobbing young woman as she pours out her heartbreak to me. i know these things, but my mind can't grasp them.

...and then you get that phone call that really has nothing at all to do with your children, but makes you long to run and gather them up in your arms and weep for the innocence lost, for the heart that is broken, for the lives affected by unexplainable pain.

last night i sat and laughed as lyla ran around with butterhorn in hand, trying to share her treasure with anyone who would smile at her. i found such joy watching her sweet, chubby little feet find that one perfect square and begin to dance to the music in her head. i walked out of the shop with my small family with a smile on my lips.

today i sit here with tears on my face completely dumbfounded, longing for that moment of innocence again.

i sometimes wish i could do more, love more, be there more.

Father, i give this to You.