you would have been six...

if life had gone the way it appeared to be going, i wonder who you would be.

i remember the moments of realizing that you were there,

the subtle ways you were already changing me.


i remember sobbing on the floor, terrified of what it all meant.

you were my unexpected surprise.


and one moment, you were there...

and the next you were gone.


and you would have been 6 years old this month.


i wonder who you would have been.


if you are anything like your brother or sisters, you would have had a crazy sense of humor,

adorable in every way.

a stubborn streak a mile long,

and a laugh that fills my heart and makes me ache with love.


you heard my heartbeat,

but i never got to hear your song...


and my heart misses you tonight.


the lights are glowing on our tree and i think of the One they represent.

He, the Light in our dark,

and you, sweet child of mine, are standing in His Glow.


how could i wish for you to be anywhere else but with Him?

i read it again, this evening in this month that would have been your sixth year,

and i can't help but smile.


because he felt the same ache,

and he wrote those words down...

and i hold them close

like he has already held you...

someday i'll hold your hand

by papa tim

i have a lovely grandchild

whose face i cannot see

at least not in this brief life,

but in eternity

i'll get to hear a "grandpa"

that my ears will miss for yet,

i get to see a happy smile

my eyes cannot forget.

and all the questions many

about God's greater plan,

will quickly melt to nothing

when first i hold your hand.

and we can run and laugh and sing

together praising our great King.

and to the mountains we can fly

and look down at top of sky.

oh precious one, whether girl or boy

what fun we'll have, what times of joy

when we can see God's greater plan,

when at last i hold your hand!

because someday my longing will become reality

and it will be you i hold in my arms as i thank my Jesus for the wonder of you,

and finally hear the beauty of your song...


happy birthday, sweet baby.

i love you so much,

~mama

6 years and 2 days...

it's been six years and two days since you left the safety of my body.

my first babe hidden deep within.

so oblivious for so long to the changes that you were causing, oblivious to the tiny one within.

i thought that i would know you for the rest of my time here.

i thought that you would swell me, fill me and then empty me.

i thought i would cradle you in my arms, kiss your downy head, memorize every feature.

but then i awoke to a morning of red.

and i waited at work for the phone call that would confirm my worst fears.

and i wept alone in a back office as the nurse's voice tried to soothe away the pain.

your sisters and brother sprawled themselves all over me 2 days ago, wanting to hear stories of them.  stories of when they were babies.  and lyla looked at me and innocently asked, mama, you have 4 kids, right?

i paused.

i had never told her about the baby lost a month before she was conceived.

and now she was asking about you 6 years to the day you first saw Jesus.

they wanted to know your name.

what you looked like.

who you were.

and i had no answer.

i couldn't...the tears were too thick.

and then olivia, the middle one, asked if she could name you.

she then deemed you, sparkles lily.

i gently asked if we could talk to your daddy about it before we made it permanent.

no, you have no name here...but i do know where you answer to one.  one that He picked out just for you.

and there is coming a day, a wonderful, fabulous day, when my eyes will see His precious Face and the Voice my ears long to hear will say, there is someone I would love for you to meet,

and i will wrap my arms around you and hold you close and i will whisper the words in your ear that my voice longs to,

i love you, sweet one.

one whole hand...

you were conceived in sorrow.

my heart still aching from the little one my body had given back to Jesus.

the child my eyes will never see this side of heaven.

and yet, you...

my gift unexpected.

the one who caused my hands to tremble in that red target stall as my future changed with one small digitalized word.

the one who had me eating saltine crackers throughout my shift at work.

the one who kicked so softly but hard enough to make her daddy, nestled warm under the covers with me, yell out loud with surprise is that her???

the one who changed the shape of me...my body, my heart.

you, lyla mae...

my firstborn.

you were punctual, 5 years ago today...the day you were due.

and then you slowed down your entrance...

a few more hours of closeness, of being wrapped within me.

hidden in the quiet of my dark, you waited one more day to meet us face to face.

i remember that moment,  5:07pm to be exact.  january 30, 2006 changed me and my life forever.

for the better.

you, my dark haired beauty.  the one who didn't cry, but searched out the eyes of your mama and the eyes of your daddy.

my heaviest one...all 9 pounds of you.

you laid on my lap and gazed at me for that terrifying first month.

that's how we sat, you and i...

nestled together, studying each other, wondering who in the world the other one was.

you broke me...and yet, you healed me.

and i loved you.

my not-so-girly girl who prefers jeans over dresses, dinosaurs over dolls.

who wishes she was 10 yet longs to be held as though she were 1.

i sometimes let my mind drift back to the day my body let go of the eldest of my 4...to that warm spring day when sorrow entered deep.

but if not for that day...i wouldn't have you.

5-year-old-glorious-you who fills my heart with your laughter and curiosity.

you brought beauty to my sorrow.

you were a gift unexpected.

and i love you.

madly.

in the quiet dark...

i sing the same words over and over, night after night to little ears that find comfort in a mama's song.

are you far away from home

this dark and lonely night

tell me what best would help

to ease your mind

 someone to give direction to this unfamiliar road

or One Who says "follow Me and I will lead you home" 

i pray that the words that fill the room would be full of my desire for them to know the One Who gave all three for me to love, to care for...to prepare their hearts for Him.

how beautiful, how precious

this Saviour of old

Who loves so completely the loneliest soul

how gently, how tenderly

He says to one and all,

"child you can follow Me and I will lead you home" 

and so i sing and we hold hands and lock eyes and i wonder about the one who i held in my body for too short a time and my arms ache to hold and who now stands in the presence of Jesus and just before i become overwhelmed with yet more grief, their voices join in and we sing together and our song becomes a prayer...

be near me, Lord Jesus

i ask Thee to stay

close by me forever

and love me i pray.

bless all the dear children

in Thy tender care

and take us to heaven

to live with Thee there.

i kiss sleepy foreheads, pray for lyla to have happy dreams about happy elephants and that the potatoes and broccolis won't eat olivia's face and tenderly touch elias' gloriously chubby cheeks and brush my fingers across eyelids already almost closed; and my heart aches with such love and such pain.

pain that makes the love so much sweeter, so much deeper.

and i realize that it is the same in life.

pain that i scream into the phone, wanting answers, begging for answers.  pain that i wish would end.

but.

pain that has drawn me into a relationship with Jesus i never dreamed could exist.  a relationship that has proven itself to be strong enough to handle my words that could never be articulated.  the pain He has allowed in this terrible year has drawn out the rich, jeweled tones of His love and i stand amazed and in awe and wanting more of what He has.

yes, how beautiful, how precious this Saviour of old; to love so completely the loneliest soul...

and a simple child's lullaby becomes my hearts desire...

(the lullaby begins around 1:15...)

he's holding them...

someday i'll hold your hand

by tim baker (my father-in-law)

i have a lovely grandchild

whose face i cannot see

at least not in this brief life,

but in eternity

i'll get to hear a "grandpa"

that my ears will miss for yet,

i get to see a happy smile

my eyes cannot forget.

and all the questions many

about God's greater plan,

will quickly melt to nothing

when first i hold your hand.

and we can run and laugh and sing

together praising our great King.

and to the mountains we can fly

and look down at top of sky.

oh precious one, whether girl or boy

what fun we'll have, what times of joy

when we can see God's greater plan,

when at last i hold your hand!

my heart longs to know the baby i lost, it yearns to hold him or her in my arms, smell their sweet baby skin.  i can't even begin to imagine the joy that i'll feel when Jesus introduces us for the first time.

my father-in-law has met my child.

and he'll hold the hand of my sweet baby until my arms can hold what my heart misses...