when i don't just want to sit there...chapter 5 {the grace series}

it is not the nature of what you do that determines the 

spirituality of any action, but the Origin of what you do.

~ major ian thomas

ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you,

i don't think fast on my feet.


it always comes to me later in the quiet moments, when i've had time to process it all and sort through all the details - that's when i know what should have been said.


or, there are the rare moments that i say what i am feeling in that split second of time and i regret it for days following the incident...

there doesn't seem to be an easy middle.


i'm like that martha - all twisted up because so much needs to be done, but i don't know how to do it all...what starts out as joy-filled quickly becomes burdensome and suddenly, i'm more focused on what i lack than on Who Gives.

with that, i reveal what i truly believe about God and 

service and my own role in His story. i see myself as

irreplaceable when i think that the work won't get done

unless i do it. instead of looking to Him to provide what is

needed, martha rolled up her sleeves and took on respon-

sibility for things that may never have been meant for her.

grace for the good girl (pg. 63)

tony - his ministry involves many different facets and he seems to effortlessly move between talking with potential donors and sitting side by side with a child who is cutting and suicidal.  i respect my husband for many reasons, but it's this ability to connect with people at a soul level is one of them.

i'm the one who feels as though i'm floundering in these situations.

i found myself there today - 

found myself in that position where i'm sitting there listening to gut-wrenching pain. pain that i have felt - pain that i understand...hatred that i have wrestled with and through and her face is covered with tears and i begin to feel helpless because i should have the words...

if i've walked this path, then i should know what to say.

so i silently called out to Him,

Jesus, words! i need words! i need to know what to say! 

nothing.

silence.

and her words kept coming and she kept trying to wipe those tears away and i kept sitting fidgeting inwardly there, trying not to become panicked when i slowly began to sense His answer...

just listen.

don't talk.

just be.

i didn't want to just sit and be and listen - i wanted to have the answers and the solutions and not feel so helpless...

but that wouldn't have been about Jesus - it would have been about me.

i don't believe martha simply chose cooking or housework over the Lord.

when she begged the Lord to make mary help her, what she was really saying

was "notice me Lord!" she wanted Him to see her. she longed for acknowledgment

and love, and was willing to do anything to get it...it isn't that she wanted to be 

working. it's that she thought she had to....

(gftgg pg. 64)

and it's when i think all those *i have to's* that i begin to become resentful - begin to question what He is doing. 

it's when i begin to think that maybe, just maybe, i know better than Him.

pride is such an ugly thing and trust flies out the window.

what would happen if we just let go - let go of all the trying and doing and just simply was before Him? 

i may never be as eloquent as my husband - i'm pretty sure i won't have the answers for children who live through hell...

i may spend the majority of my days changing diapers and making cheese quesidillas for lunch and simmering spaghetti sauce for the one millionth time for dinner this month.  the laundry will be never ending, the dust will keep piling and i will sit at the end of the day wondering what difference i am making in anyone's life, let alone the very Kingdom of God - 

but then He speaks my name - He speaks to the martha deep inside who so desperately wants to get it all right...

it's not about getting all the work done for Him on my own:

if what i do is done in complete dependence upon the 

Father, then it doesn't matter what that thing is, rather who

the one is doing that thing. is it me? or is it Him? Colossians

says that by faith, it is beautifully and mysteriously both.

"to this end i labor, struggling with all His energy, which so

powerfully works in me" (col. 1:29 NIV). who am i to decide

what is extraordinary? the Father has already decided. He

says He Himself is extraordinary. so anything i do as i depend

on and partner with the Extraordinary One, i suppose that is

extraordinary too.

(gftgg  pg. 61)

it's all about trusting that He can take the little I have and turn it into something that will bless Himself. it has nothing to do with the doing, but everything to do with the trusting. 

and this is grace - that He takes what feels like nothing and turns it into a faith that is active and strong.

to the one who hides behind *the fine*...chapter 4 {the grace series}

even in laughter the heart may ache,

and joy may end in grief.  proverbs 14:13

it's okay to not be fine.

it's okay to stand and say, i'm a mess. it's a mess...*life* is a mess.

it's okay to come out from behind the facade and sit bare and broken and bruised.

i know - it doesn't feel like it.

the last thing that anyone freely embraces is vulnerability - it's scary and open and intimate.

you have that reputation to uphold and that strength everyone seems to rely on and aren't you the one who always seems to keep the peace? make everything better?

make everyone laugh?

yeah...

that's you.

and her.

and me.

i sit surrounded most days, by the most vulnerable among us. 

my own children and other mothers children.

more often than not, there is laughter.

lots of laughter...

but there are the days when the veneer cracks just a little and you are let in to the broken places and there is nothing you can do but reach out a hand and try and cup around that hurt with the little you have and trust the God Who is big enough to be enough.

my own little girl,

her veneer cracked wide open this afternoon - the fine she was trying so bravely to hide behind wasn't strong enough anymore and she just needed to hear, needed to know that the heart she grew under would always beat strong for her - would never stop loving her. would never stop pulsing to the rhythm of her mama's love for her.

she needed to know that who she was behind her fine had worth.

i pulled her close onto my lap, wiped those tears away and she leaned her ear over this heart and she listened.

...so often, the idea that we have to keep it together no matter what is what keeps
good girls from coming out from behind our sweet, smiling exteriors. we believe 
that any amount of broken mess disqualifies us from useful activity for God, so
we determine to stay decidedly broken.  

grace for the good girl (pg. 51)

and being broken begins to take many forms,

conforming you to the ideals and ideas of the people around you until you either become hopeless or angry or both and then you spiral downward again because the good always take the middle - doesn't everyone know that leaning to the right or to the left, even just a little, is bad.

feeling scared meant i needed more faith. feeling anger

meant i needed more control. feeling confused meant i 

needed to get it together and figure things out. in theory, i knew

i was supposed to cast my fear, anger, confusion on the Lord.

but after "trusting" Him with my circumstances, i thought

it was my responsibility to change the emotions and keep

myself from experiencing them again.

gftgg (pg. 55)

around and around it goes and the cycle, it never is unbroken because the only thing truly broken

is you.

but you keep clinging to what left you broken, because that is the thing that defines you. that is what you keep coming back to, because that is tangible. and sometimes, even what is ugly can feel safe because it is what feels familiar...

it might be time to let go.

let go of the broken shards that leave you bloody and weak and instead cling tightly to the wild and unpredictable God Whose grace is pure and gentle enough to love you whole.

honesty before God is the only safe place, and i believe He is

wise enough and loving enough and intuitive enough to usher us

into honesty with people...only as i depend on and trust in and fully

disclose to the One Who knows anyway will i be able to discern when

i'm fine-ing someone who deserves genuine...

gftgg (pg. 56)

i've learned it the hard way - 

i've lived believing that in order to be truly authentic, truly vulnerable, one has to fully disclose to everyone.

i wish that i had known better sooner...

i've also learned, through the hard way, that Jesus - the One Who knit me together and ordained all my days - He is trustworthy. and as i've learned to trust Him more, He brings the safe and the trustworthy ones to love me in the middle of my mess.

and it is good.

and it is safe.

and He takes the fine and makes it healed.

or healing...

it depends on the day.

step out from behind the lie of the fine.

yes - there will be those that walk away, there even may be those that will make fun of your risk.

but you will find that it is good - really. it is.

you just have to take that first step...

our fluctuating humanness is there on purpose, to remind

us of our need and draw us to the One Who can meet it. we

don't have to figure out the whys and the origins of every

swinging emotion. but it is so important that we admit they

are there. to embrace the color and fullness of our emotional,

un-fine state is to open wide enough to receive compassion

and grace. only then will we be able to offer that same com-

passion and grace to others in honest and authentic ways.

gftgg (pg. 58)

His overwhelming Grace is waiting...

in the blooming - the end of chapter 2...{the grace series}

the irises bloomed while we were gone -

tall and violet and graceful.


the girls caterpillars bloomed too - they busted out of their cocoons in the middle of the night, while it was quiet and dark and no one to witness it and their orange painted wings stretched strong in the early morning light.

they were going to release them - after the charlotte's web fair was done and after they had popcorn and snow cones and their skin turned rosy-red in the hot may sun.

they would open up that clear plastic lid and just let them flutter away...


there's one painted lady who seems to be more robust then the rest. the girls have named this one hoppy. she beats her wings and flies against the netting, bouncing off of it and landing on her back.

but she flutters and beats those wings until she is literally hopping, until she gets enough air under her so that she can flip over and once again fly.

it makes them all laugh,

but hoppy?  she makes me want to cheer.


she doesn't do it gracefully, this learning to fly and strengthening her wings. she's clumsy and seems to always been running into another butterfly or two on her way,

but she doesn't give up, and maybe that's why i watch her.


we've been away, been loved on and taken care of and hidden away in a cabin in the mountains and green.

i've held lyla's hand as she whispers it quietly,

mama, it's so quiet here - my ears really like it.


we've been away and i've watched as my older three wrestle with the slowing down, with getting used to bugs and being outside for 14 hours a day and sleeping in the unfamiliar and new.


and as i walked through that garden gate everyday for almost a week, as i stood underneath stars so bright in the blackest sky,

as i woke up to a mountain rain pounding on the roof above me,

i've realized i need to rethink grace.


it's kind of hoppy-ish, if you will.


but here's the thing, sometimes we need to keep bouncing off of what has hemmed us in before we can become strong enough to fly.

grace is something to wrestle with - simple in concept, yes, but hard to grasp in the actual living out.

tony and i, we've talked a lot in this past week - of Jesus and christianity and living radically and completely surrendered lives to Him.

we've talked of what that means to live contrary to the pull of the culture around us - to walk instead under the pull of Christ's Lordship over our lives.


and to be honest, there is that small voice that whispers...

we are going to be odd.

and that's when i find it, near the end of chapter 2 that i read these words,

character refers to who you are. reputation refers to who people think

you are. i generally care more about who people think i am than who i really am.

but Jesus was not a person trying to keep a good reputation in tact. during His life

on earth, he never tried to explain Himself for the sake of His reputation.

He breaks all social etiquette in relation to people. He

acknowledges no barriers or human divisions. there is no

category of sinners He isolates Himself from.

simply stated, Jesus is a miserable failure at

meeting religious people's expectations of Him...

...though He was without sin, there were still those who questioned His

reputation. knowing there were people who disagreed, even hated Him, didn't 

cause Him to change one thing He did. He wasn't working to maintain a good

reputation. he was walking in dependence on His Father. Jesus didn't value what people

thought; He valued people, period.

grace for the good girl (pg. 47-48)

our pastor, he spoke on the assurance of salvation this morning - how it's all curled up in 1 john; we can know that we are His through the way we love each other...

and i have failed.

deeply and horribly and in soul-shattering ways.


but i heard it as i stood folding laundry while the washing machine hummed, as elyse fitzpatrick spoke about justification and everything that it means;

it's not only as if i had never sinned...

but being justified is living as if i had always obeyed.


Christ's grace is shocking and soothing and it covers over all the places that i fail...


He valued people, not what they thought about Him or His ministry or the decisions He made. and Jesus calls me and you to live like that too.

reputation can be a carefully crafted place that keeps you safe, that makes you look good - but it keeps you unknown.

we can't love well when we are hiding, when we don't live authentically, with vulnerability - really, when we are placing the idol of self in front of those around us.

it's only when we place Jesus first, when we choose Him over a mask that keeps us safe, it's then that we find grace,

that we learn to love,

and that being good dulls in comparison of being like Christ...

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. philippians 3:7-11

the good not in me - on chapter 2...{the grace series}

the word good can actually be a not-so-good word after all...

i think i've known this for a while.


kind of like when you make that decision to cut out all sugar and that friend holds that dark chocolate brownie in her hands and says so sweetly, come on! one bite, just one! it's soooo good!!

yeah - good can be objective.

unless it's resting on the lips of God.


He saw all He had made and called it good,

He saw His Son and was so very pleased.


His Spirit - He's characterized by goodness...


He is good.


and then there is me.


and oh. i want  to be good.

i want you to see me as good.


but i know, deep down, that for years i lived up to the expectations that are placed on the good girl who loves Jesus.

i wasn't defined by Him, i was defined by what was expected.

and i tried hard.

and when i kept failing, i gave up caring.

and then i was a bad girl living in good girl clothes.


it was a touch crazy and chaotic and there are still moments that i wonder how in the world i ever made it back to Jesus.


but ever since then, ever since that moment on that winding road under those bright stars, feeling like my shame was going to swallow me whole and begging Him for just. one. more. chance...

i have felt like i'm running up hill - always one step behind everyone else who seems to have it all together.

i have felt a mess.

when we believe that God expects us to try hard to become

who Jesus wants us to be, we will live in that blurry, frustrating

land of Should Be rather than trust in The One Who Is. we will 

do whatever we believe it takes to please God rather

than receive the acceptance that has already been given. we

will perform to live up to what we believe His expectation is of us 

rather than expectantly wait on Him.

grace for the good girl (pg 32)

what happened to believing in the truth that all of the work was done by The Son on the cross?

why are we, am i, constantly trying so hard to earn His approval?

why am i expecting to fail, to let Him down and start back at square one because isn't that where all the losers go?

my word for this year has been expectancy.  my baby girl, the one who filled me large with the expecting of her turns 4 months today.  the stretching and filling and those final hard months are still so fresh on my mind...expectancy can be a long, slow, hard thing to hold.

because really, you live in a state of not knowing what to expect.

and so, i try and manage what seems manageable. if i don't know what to expect from my life, from Jesus, or even from tomorrow, i'll focus on what i think a strong, good christian woman should look like.

our desire to be the good girl, the good Christian, the good

wife, and the good mom becomes our number one priority,

and Jesus isn't even in the room...

grace for the good girl (pg 32)

i need to stop here - not because the baby is crying, though, she will be soon because of those first two teeth that are making sleep hard to come by - but because my heart needs to rest here.

i need to pause and look around me,

is He even here?

and yes, He is here - He is with me and He won't ever leave, but have i been so focused on everything else that i forget that He. Is. ?

God looks at your heart.  He sees not only your outward "churchy" identity; He sees

who you really are, why you do what you do, and what you really mean when you

proclaim your allegiance to Him. this face should alarm us all.

and it would, if not for the gospel.

think of it; you no longer have to live for mere human approval.

you are freed from trying to approve of yourself. God approves of

you because you have a new heart, a new name, a new love, a new desire.

believers, having acknolwedged their sinfulness and accepted the

gift of divine approval, are in a position to reveal themselves as they

really are. this ought to make believers the most transparent and 

childlike people in the world. *

He approves of you because you are covered with the righteousness

of the beloved Son with whom He is well pleased. you please Him.

His commendation, welcome, acceptance - yes, even His praise - are yours!

is that enough? pray that it will be as true for you today as it 

already is for Him.

comforts from Romans (pg. 41-42)

He is. 

and i have not been...

but because of Him and the work that He did - His grace covers me and He is the good that is now in me.

staggering, beautiful truth.

even when i fail,

even when i mess up...again,

He is the good that is now in me.

for you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

when Christ, Who is your life appears, then you also will 

appear with Him in glory.

colossians 3:3-4

thank you, Jesus.

*quote within the quote was written by r.h. mounce 

in the messy and ugly...{the grace series}

it wasn't dismal, per say, when we first bought the house.

all i saw when we first walked through was the space and the potential.


it wasn't dismal until we got a good look at our backyard when the snow finally thawed and spring began to whisper and we saw the damage that this past summer had done.

here's the shocking news: God loves to display His mercy by wrecking "good" people.

that seems counterintuitive, doesn't it? we think that God loves to wreck bad people, to strip them of their badness, and of course, He does. but God also delights in wrecking those who 

seem good, at least outwardly.

Comforts from Romans (pg. 16)

tony, he can see the end result despite the sheer magnitude of everything that needs to be done, and he plants cherry trees and reseeds and tears out and reconfigures and waters and plans and smiles all the while.

me?

i clear off our deck, angle the picnic table just so and throw a pretty table cloth on top so that is what i can look at instead of what feels too big,

too messy,

too ugly.

it was as i was sitting at our kitchen table this morning with coffee in hand, looking at the cloth blowing in the breeze that it hit me...prettying up the situation is actually rather laughable.  it fixes nothing.

paul's primary impediment to relationship with God was not his 

irreligion, it was his religion.

Comforts from Romans (emphasis mine)

all my attempts to earn, all my settling in to the comfort of north american religion is just like that small bit of cloth trying to cover up a yard overgrown and dead. it may look pretty lovely from just the right angle, but as a whole? it's just a small patch of fake roses on a whole lot of ugly.

there isn't grace here, there's just a lot of trying to live up to the law.

and that gets overwhelming,

and that has always been the place where i throw up my hands and figure i'll never understand grace like a good christian girl should.

but i'll just keep throwing the word around like i know what i'm talking about...

...one day, just when we would assume that paul had gone too far and

really blown his chances with Jesus, Jesus knocked him off his feet,

blinded him and introduced him to grace.

...paul's story is good news for those of us who are tempted to put

our trust in ourselves...to merit God's favor. grace is so surprising!

it's surprising because while it may seem likely that a prostitute would

recognize her need for rescue, the homeschooling, bread-baking, devotion-

reading mom who attends her local church faithfully (while trusting in her

own goodness) will choke on the humiliating message of gospel rescue.

Comforts from Romans

tony, he gets such joy from working in the yard, fixing up this space under our feet that is our own. i love watching him, because when he is truly focused, he doesn't even notice me noticing him.

when he calls me down to explain his vision and thoughts and why he is doing what he's doing, i'll admit it, i get really overwhelmed. i can't see it in my head. 

but he can and i trust him.

and in another summer or two, we'll begin to see the results of what he has done.

did you catch that?

what tony has done.

that's a glimpse of grace.

if we are to embrace the message of the gospel and become free,

joyous and zealous servants of Jesus Christ, than all - and i really mean

all - the work has to be done by Him. why? so that all the glory will go to him, so 

that we boast in the work of Jesus alone. (isa. 48:11)...

through the good news of the gospel, the Lord graciously strips us of 

our slavish devotion to our reputation...He frees us from the incessant nagging

of our inner slave drive and frees us to love others without being

slavishly driven by them either. he ruins our pride in our accomplishments, 

thereby freeing us from the demand that others live up to our expectations.

Comforts from Romans

when that backyard of ours is all said and done, the only credit i will be able to take is when he asked for my thoughts i said, do whatever you want to baby, because i can't envision it.

i'll be able to enjoy it, i'll be able to rest in it and pick the cherries the birds leave behind, but as for the credit?

i can already feel it swelling up in my chest because i know, deep down know,

it will all go to my Groom.

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—

(Philippians 3:8-9 ESV)

(more thoughts on monday...)

when your soul splits... {the grace series}

it started long before that rose covered journal closed tight with that brass coloured lock.

before i began to fill up those lined pages with teenage angst begging to know who i was.


looking back, twenty years later, i know now what i was so desperately questioning;

i wasn't longing to know who i was,

i was wanting to know if i could ever be good.


because when you are four years old and you pray a prayer and ask Jesus into your heart, and then the very next year your innocence is taken by a teenage boy in the nursery of a church...

you do everything you can to fix what has been shattered inside.


whispers in the dark of don't tell become dark lies in your soul and you will do anything to keep up appearances for appearances sake.


no one tells you when you are five how to navigate moments like that.



and so the good girl,

this good girl

is born.


you have maybe had your moment too - that moment when your soul split in two.

that space in time when your smile was plastered to your face while those secrets began to swirl in the dark and everything seemed off kilter because,

well...

it was.


shadow and light become muddled and foggy and you try and work harder so that you can finally make the two marry and maybe, just maybe, make God happy.

because that is what good girls do.

they make everyone happy.


did your shoulders just droop a bit under the weight of those words?


and grace?

it's a five letter word that everyone seems to pass around so freely - like those sunday morning handshakes or the promises of "i'll pray" that we never seem to keep.


and grace becomes a part of our lingo that we never know the origin of -

 we just know that it's a word that good christians say and so we do.

often.

all the while our hearts harden and our eyes glaze over and we keep putting one tired foot in front of the other, trying somehow to earn some elusive approval and finally, finally be good

deep down good.


or maybe that's just me...

i hide behind my smile and my laid-back personality.

i hide behind fine  and good. i hid behind strong and responsible. 

i hide behind busy and comfortable and working hard toward 

your expectations. and if i do not meet your expectations,

i hide behind indifferent. and though the purpose of my mask is

to fool you, don't be fooled.

the energy it takes to live for you is killing me...i want you to regard me.

please, by all means, regard me. i beg you to see me, to notice my goodness,

to ignore my failure, to be inspired by my beauty, to be captivated

by my essence. i want my loveliness to overwhelm you such

that you cannot catch your breath.

grace for the good girl (pg. 18)

i think it starts here at this place that is raw and tender underneath everything.

because when you know that God loves you, but you don't really believe He means you...

you'll do everything you can to earn that love from Him and her and him and them. 


and grace?

i just want to be liked.

grace?

i just want them to be happy with me.

grace?

oh goodness, i just want to be finally seen and noticed and applauded.


it has everything to do with keeping myself safe and you happy and nothing to do with Jesus because He is wild and unpredictable and Someone i can never control.

and so i hide,

i smile.

and i adjust my good face

once again.


until it finally isn't enough anymore.

the hollowness and emptiness of the pseudo-good life begins to suffocate and that is what this past year has been for me.


and i wonder if as zeruiah's life began to grow deep inside if that isn't when He began to stir something up in my soul and as she began to outgrow my skin, i began to outgrow my fear and it wasn't enough anymore, to live in the quiet and the good...

i wanted Jesus.

fear drives.

but Love leads.

"now to Him Who is able to do far more abundantly than all that 

we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be 

glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,

forever and ever. amen" (ephesians 3:20-21 ESV)

that invisible good girl pushes me around. fear drives, 

pushing and shoving. Love leads, working deeply and gently within.

as i risk exposure to receive this Love, i catch a glimpse

of His goodness, i am inspired by His beauty, i am 

captivated by His essence. His loveliness overwhelms me such

that i cannot catch my breath. and before i realize it,

there has been a holy shift. my insatiable need to prove my 

own goodness to God and the world fades into the background, and

instead i receive truth and offer worship to the only One

deserving of it. 

grace for the good girl (pg. 19)

i needed Grace...



(join me again on friday?)

nothing is wasted...

you have been grace to me.

from the moment we sat for those three hours and talked away that class i didn't really want to go to anyways until i stood up 6 months later in cool mountain air,

and you remained kneeling,


you have been His grace.


i just didn't always see it.



i don't know if you can ever truly know how you have cupped this heart of mine and protected and nurtured and loved me into the woman i am today.

there aren't enough words to say how thankful i am to you

for packing that picnic basket

12 years ago today -

for finding the perfect spot at the base of that mountain,

with snow still on the ground,

and for taking that chance on the girl so broken

and loving her into the half of us i am.


oh tony, i love you.


for every road we've walked together, for every detour and dead end that we thought would shatter us, i have learned with you that nothing is wasted when we trust in the One Who takes our broken places and causes beauty, His beauty, to bloom.


thank you.  thank you for asking and for being so very confident i would say yes.

i love you.


love,
me



(the grace series will begin quietly tomorrow...)

when you begin a journey...

i still remember the naming of her all those years ago.

she was named with intention.

she was named with preconceived notions of what her names would mean for her.


i had no idea how my life was about to change with the arrival of this daughter.

i had no idea how much i didn't understand.


grace is like that.

for many years, i lived as a believer in God, but i did not live 

from God. i was a child of the God of grace, but i was looking for

life in the law.

emily p. freeman

i am a good girl and grace terrifies me. i don't understand it. I don't know how to live with it or extend it or even, to be honest, how to receive it.

i am a good girl whose mistakes and rebellions have put a smudge, or twenty, all over the word good. 

but i am a christian, shouldn't all christian girls be...good?

the word grace - it gets thrown around like i should know what it means, but i don't.

i don't.

almost 30 years since my first prayer and all i know is that this one word leaves me uncomfortable, raw and ready to run.

and yet this one word, this one that sounds like silk, that whispers rest and peace and all good things i am not - it is everywhere. it won't let me go. or maybe, more accurately, He won't let me go. and His Hand, it finds me in that book that i keep signing out at the library. the one that claims it's for the good girls and i can't get past the first page because i  know i am not. but the numerous check-outs from that library counter is becoming ridiculous and so i finally just sit down and read.

and i can't stop.

because His grace isn't for the good ones. 

they don't exist.

His grace is for all and He offers it, scarred Hands outstretched to the broken and sin-weary and to every good girl who hides her mess with a mask.


it's for all of us.

it's an intimate journey, this pursuing of grace - because it weaves it's way into the most public of areas and the places deep and still. but it's a pursuing of hope, because God's grace is so very rich, so very life changing and dripping with mercy and for the last month or so, i've sensed His invitation to come and discover what His grace really means.

i don't know if there is anyone who will join me, if there is anyone who needs to discover and know for themselves too, but this is what i'll be doing over the next few weeks here, with His Word and this book and stepping out from fear and into His scandalous love.

i won't be publishing these posts on facebook and i may or may not turn off comments...because this is a quiet discovery, and i feel that this space needs that stillness too.

but every journey no matter how big or how small has the great capacity to take you places where you have never been and more often than not, a journey is so much more enjoyable when you don't travel alone. so maybe you need to place your feet in the footsteps of Jesus to discover how deep His grace towards you is - and maybe you wouldn't mind if i tagged along too.

but that first step? it is one that stands on the truth of thankfulness...

and whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do everything in the 

Name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father

through Him.

colossians 3:17 esv

a gift in bag, in a box, in a book
2100. coffee
2101. all those blocks, made by his uncle
2102. grace. grace

3 hard eucharisteos
2103. nothing is wasted
2104. brokenness
2105. really seeing

3 gifts woven together
2106. confession and repentence
2107. joy and sorrow
2108. His beauty and our ashes

3 gifts inherited
2109. gramma's teacups
2110. her engagement ring on my finger
2111. his hair, just like his daddy's

3 gifts square
2112. homemade invites
2113. patch of moonlight
2114. broken prayers on paper

a gift stacked, stashed, stilled
2115. those dishes
2116. that irish pasta
2117. the 3 older ones piled on top of me just before bed

the orange rhino, #romansproject, zeruiah, and a video of the last 2...

it's been in the last month or two - since the newness of a newborn wears off and bone-weary fatigue sets in that i find my the decibels of my voice raising higher and more often then i would like them to.

i never wanted to be that mama.

you know the one.

the one who yells because she's frustrated,

yells because she's tired,

yells because what else is there to do because everyone is yelling anyways and i may as well join in.

i never wanted to be her.

and it's after a day when i yelled too often and i felt like a failure that i met a dear friend in the corner of a coffee shop and we share our struggles and she shares this plan that she found and we sit and we laugh over the crazy solutions but something clicks...

i can make a choice.

so i do.

i make that choice not to yell.

for one year.

easy, right?

yes...you can laugh.

so, i put on my orange shirts, drink out of my orange water bottle, i chuckle over the idea of taking that moment, the one where your voice starts raising and yelling instead into the toilet and flushing it all away. (i haven't tried it yet, but when i do, i'll let you know).

and resolve begins to waver and yesterday afternoon, i send my sweet friend a text. i have to start over. one too many things had been knocked over, spilled across and i opened my mouth and this exasperated mommy blew.

i sit on the floor this morning, across from my husband and i recite verses. ones in romans i'm trying to memorize. i know my failures from the day before, i know i could fail loudly again today; when the obvious dawns on me and it all makes sense - because He is here and He loves to give when we ask for His wisdom.

if i empty my mouth of all yelling, i need to fill up that empty space with Him.

instead of just yelling into the cavernous and flushing it all away, can i take those moments when i would rather vent my frustration and instead speak His Words over the moment?  instead of filling up these walls around us with mommy-angst, can i fill this space up with Him?

can i invite Him in to each moment? not just the quiet and peace-full moments that are rare and hard to hang on to.  but the loud and chaotic and the ones that quickly unravel if i don't stay on top of it all?

so, while the older three play in the background and laugh and play and whine just a little, i take the youngest and she and i? we sit on that chair and i speak His Word, penned by Paul, over her and i pray that His Grace takes over and that what fills up that memory space in my mind, takes hold of my heart and transforms this mama so that when they are grown and old and think back on us now, they really remember Him...

(i'm linking up with the #romansproject here )

for when it happens... {letters to my four}

there are some things i've learned as i come to the mid point of my life,  and should i be given another 37, almost 36 years, i'm sure i will learn a lot more.

i could come to this place in my life and focus on the one thing that seems to dog my every step,

you will mess up.

not if.

not maybe.

but when.

there will be a myriad of reasons, sweet ones. there will be circumstances beyond your control and there will be details that are very much a part of you and the action you take.  

it's just how it is.

and you can take a look at your mess and feel hopeless.

like you have messed up so badly that there is no way to fix it.

i think i was there.

no, that's not true.

i know i was there.

you may know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has placed a call on your life.  made it clearer than anything and you keep taking the next step forward each day because you know, eventually, you are going to get there.

and then, you trip. 

you land flat on your face.

you drip with the mess you landed yourself in.

and the one who deceives, he comes close and he whispers those words that sink deep and your heart will sink deeper still.

failure

worthless

un-usable

and you may think that all you are good for is to be placed high up on that shelf of the broken,

the useless,

the screw-ups.

and that focus? the one that zeros in on the mess? 

it will keep you there.

my bible study leader, miss sue, the one who keeps placing me at her table each session, she finds me and tells me to come again for the next one. who cares that i have a newborn! didn't i know how many arms would hold her?  

so i go, and i soak it in. i soak in the message of mercy and i let God get to the tender places that fester with hurt and pain and, dare i say it, anger.

but still i believed, no matter how wrongly, that sure, He can get to those places, heal them and clean them up, but now i'll just be a cleaned up, healed up, broken and useless screw-up saint high up there on the shelf.

right?

that's how it works, isn't it?

oh - i pray that i show you differently.

i pray that you all see it differently than i ever saw it.

because He is becoming what i crave - i can't get enough of Him. this Jesus who continually takes your mama-who-messes-up every. day. and He keeps bending down in the sand and writing out that plan.  He does.  He really does. 

and this is what i learned in that study on james: 

 he was one of the Lord's brothers who mocked Him and called Him mad. 

he was the half-brother of Jesus who didn't believe, but became the head of the Early Church in Jerusalem.

he messed up.

all those years, growing up with Jesus, living life with Creator God and he didn't see. he didn't see His Savior standing shoulder to shoulder with him.

instead, he called Jesus crazy.

but even then, God had a call on his life.

even then.

it never changed.

it never wavered.

"for I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans for welfare 

and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. then you will call upon Me 

and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. you will seek Me and find Me 

when you seek Me with all your heart."

jeremiah 29:11-13

you aren't going to take Him by surprise when you mess up.

He already knows.

His plan covers all that.

no, it probably would have been best if you don't make the choices that you will, that maybe you should have looked a bit closer at the path before you tripped and fell, but where you can only see a bit of the road ahead,  He sees the whole world held in His Hands.

if you find yourself dusty and hidden high up on a saintly shelf, know this - Jesus didn't put you there.

you did.

so climb down - wrestle with Him if you have to, let Him work out in you what needs to be worked out. you may find yourself limping afterwards a bit, but keep walking, little one.

keep walking.

the path ahead of you is all part of His plan...