the orange rhino, #romansproject, zeruiah, and a video of the last 2...

Friday, April 5, 2013

it's been in the last month or two - since the newness of a newborn wears off and bone-weary fatigue sets in that i find my the decibels of my voice raising higher and more often then i would like them to.

i never wanted to be that mama.

you know the one.

the one who yells because she's frustrated,

yells because she's tired,

yells because what else is there to do because everyone is yelling anyways and i may as well join in.

i never wanted to be her.

and it's after a day when i yelled too often and i felt like a failure that i met a dear friend in the corner of a coffee shop and we share our struggles and she shares this plan that she found and we sit and we laugh over the crazy solutions but something clicks...

i can make a choice.

so i do.

i make that choice not to yell.

for one year.

easy, right? can laugh.

so, i put on my orange shirts, drink out of my orange water bottle, i chuckle over the idea of taking that moment, the one where your voice starts raising and yelling instead into the toilet and flushing it all away. (i haven't tried it yet, but when i do, i'll let you know).

and resolve begins to waver and yesterday afternoon, i send my sweet friend a text. i have to start over. one too many things had been knocked over, spilled across and i opened my mouth and this exasperated mommy blew.

i sit on the floor this morning, across from my husband and i recite verses. ones in romans i'm trying to memorize. i know my failures from the day before, i know i could fail loudly again today; when the obvious dawns on me and it all makes sense - because He is here and He loves to give when we ask for His wisdom.

if i empty my mouth of all yelling, i need to fill up that empty space with Him.

instead of just yelling into the cavernous and flushing it all away, can i take those moments when i would rather vent my frustration and instead speak His Words over the moment?  instead of filling up these walls around us with mommy-angst, can i fill this space up with Him?

can i invite Him in to each moment? not just the quiet and peace-full moments that are rare and hard to hang on to.  but the loud and chaotic and the ones that quickly unravel if i don't stay on top of it all?

so, while the older three play in the background and laugh and play and whine just a little, i take the youngest and she and i? we sit on that chair and i speak His Word, penned by Paul, over her and i pray that His Grace takes over and that what fills up that memory space in my mind, takes hold of my heart and transforms this mama so that when they are grown and old and think back on us now, they really remember Him...

(i'm linking up with the #romansproject here )