my heart still aching from the little one my body had given back to Jesus.
the child my eyes will never see this side of heaven.
and yet, you...
my gift unexpected.
the one who caused my hands to tremble in that red target stall as my future changed with one small digitalized word.
the one who had me eating saltine crackers throughout my shift at work.
the one who kicked so softly but hard enough to make her daddy, nestled warm under the covers with me, yell out loud with surprise is that her???
the one who changed the shape of me...my body, my heart.
you, lyla mae...
my firstborn.
you were punctual, 5 years ago today...the day you were due.
and then you slowed down your entrance...
a few more hours of closeness, of being wrapped within me.
hidden in the quiet of my dark, you waited one more day to meet us face to face.
i remember that moment, 5:07pm to be exact. january 30, 2006 changed me and my life forever.
for the better.
you, my dark haired beauty. the one who didn't cry, but searched out the eyes of your mama and the eyes of your daddy.
my heaviest one...all 9 pounds of you.
you laid on my lap and gazed at me for that terrifying first month.
that's how we sat, you and i...
nestled together, studying each other, wondering who in the world the other one was.
you broke me...and yet, you healed me.
and i loved you.
my not-so-girly girl who prefers jeans over dresses, dinosaurs over dolls.
who wishes she was 10 yet longs to be held as though she were 1.
i sometimes let my mind drift back to the day my body let go of the eldest of my 4...to that warm spring day when sorrow entered deep.
but if not for that day...i wouldn't have you.
5-year-old-glorious-you who fills my heart with your laughter and curiosity.
you brought beauty to my sorrow.
you were a gift unexpected.
and i love you.
madly.
