my first babe hidden deep within.
so oblivious for so long to the changes that you were causing, oblivious to the tiny one within.
i thought that i would know you for the rest of my time here.
i thought that you would swell me, fill me and then empty me.
i thought i would cradle you in my arms, kiss your downy head, memorize every feature.
but then i awoke to a morning of red.
and i waited at work for the phone call that would confirm my worst fears.
and i wept alone in a back office as the nurse's voice tried to soothe away the pain.
your sisters and brother sprawled themselves all over me 2 days ago, wanting to hear stories of them. stories of when they were babies. and lyla looked at me and innocently asked, mama, you have 4 kids, right?
i paused.
i had never told her about the baby lost a month before she was conceived.
and now she was asking about you 6 years to the day you first saw Jesus.
they wanted to know your name.
what you looked like.
who you were.
and i had no answer.
i couldn't...the tears were too thick.
and then olivia, the middle one, asked if she could name you.
she then deemed you, sparkles lily.
i gently asked if we could talk to your daddy about it before we made it permanent.
no, you have no name here...but i do know where you answer to one. one that He picked out just for you.
and there is coming a day, a wonderful, fabulous day, when my eyes will see His precious Face and the Voice my ears long to hear will say, there is someone I would love for you to meet,
and i will wrap my arms around you and hold you close and i will whisper the words in your ear that my voice longs to,
i love you, sweet one.
