6 years and 2 days...

Friday, April 15, 2011

it's been six years and two days since you left the safety of my body.

my first babe hidden deep within.

so oblivious for so long to the changes that you were causing, oblivious to the tiny one within.

i thought that i would know you for the rest of my time here.

i thought that you would swell me, fill me and then empty me.

i thought i would cradle you in my arms, kiss your downy head, memorize every feature.

but then i awoke to a morning of red.

and i waited at work for the phone call that would confirm my worst fears.

and i wept alone in a back office as the nurse's voice tried to soothe away the pain.

your sisters and brother sprawled themselves all over me 2 days ago, wanting to hear stories of them.  stories of when they were babies.  and lyla looked at me and innocently asked, mama, you have 4 kids, right?

i paused.

i had never told her about the baby lost a month before she was conceived.

and now she was asking about you 6 years to the day you first saw Jesus.

they wanted to know your name.

what you looked like.

who you were.

and i had no answer.

i couldn't...the tears were too thick.

and then olivia, the middle one, asked if she could name you.

she then deemed you, sparkles lily.

i gently asked if we could talk to your daddy about it before we made it permanent.

no, you have no name here...but i do know where you answer to one.  one that He picked out just for you.

and there is coming a day, a wonderful, fabulous day, when my eyes will see His precious Face and the Voice my ears long to hear will say, there is someone I would love for you to meet,

and i will wrap my arms around you and hold you close and i will whisper the words in your ear that my voice longs to,

i love you, sweet one.