longing for...

Saturday, June 20, 2009

tonight, my heart has broken into a million little pieces.

i'm amazed at times at the way ones' heart has the capacity to expand and love those who aren't connected through blood.

and it seems the more ones' heart loves, the more it shatters when goodbyes happen.

i remember the night before i left washington, saying goodbye to a dear friend who was going to be induced the next day. my heart broke knowing that i was going to be in a different country when miss emma announced her arrival.

i remember getting ready to back out the driveway and seeing my friend who had become like a sister sitting in her car waiting to say goodbye.

there are still days when that pain is just as fresh as it was when i drove away.

but i must say, at times, it's easier being the one who leaves.

last night, another dear friend handed me a parting gift that said, "friends are the family we find along the way." while i had heard about her for a few years, we never really connected until last july, and she and her children became a huge part of me and my children's lives.

she became part of my family along the way...

she is funny and sarcastic and real and...comfortable. do you know what i mean? those friends that you click with immediately and are just comfortable to sit with and laugh over absolutely nothing. God has blessed me with friends like these wherever i've lived...and the parting is always, always unexpected.

could it really only have been 3 months ago when i opened up my door to welcome her in out of the snow, only to be told she was leaving? and now...she's gone.

and so are her dear boys. boys who my girls have adored with unashamed adoration. i asked lyla one day who made the earth and all the animals and people...she paused for the briefest of moments, looked at me and said, "ethan".

i've hauled rocks, weeded, cleaned like a crazy woman, all to get mr. man into the world before she left...and he is still just as comfy, just as content to be womb-bound as he was last week. i wanted her to meet him. i wanted her to hold him.

i didn't want her to leave.

and so, as i huddled near another dear friend who has become family because of the dear friend who has left, listening to the sobs of the sweet children (and mama's), i found myself longing for heaven.

longing for a chat over brownies that doesn't have to end because one is leaving the next day. longing for that day when we worship in perfect unity the One who created us - no pain, no more sadness, no more tears shed at the prospect of goodbye. where it doesn't matter if she has moved to the other end of the country, i have all of eternity to walk there.

tonight, i held my sweet daughters a bit closer, knowing that someday they will know the kind of pain that comes from allowing your heart to expand as you begin to love others as though they were your own family.

i held them tighter because i was reminded today that there are no guarantees that the ones i love will always be near...

and so i savoured the smell of their freshly washed hair and bodies. lost myself in their snuggles. prayed for their future friendships...that they would learn to love beyond the risk of pain. that they would allow their families to be more than just "blood".

that they wouldn't be afraid to stand on the sidewalk, to face the pain and heartache of bittersweet goodbyes...and allow Jesus to put the pieces back together, with a few more added, knowing that there's more family to be met.