we bought a trampoline for the girls this past weekend. i was excited for a number of reasons, one of them being that it might use up some of that over abundance of energy that my girls seem to never use up and they would then fall asleep a bit faster and a bit more willingly.
hmmm...
another reason may be a bit more selfish than the first...i may have loved the idea of a trampoline because i thought that in the early evening hours when the light was beginning to fade and i wouldn't be seen as easily, i could sneak out of the house and jump to my hearts content.
i may have done that a time or two...or not. the light was just muddy enough that no one really, really knows for sure...
anyways, my excitement was short lived.
you see, there are bugs.
not only are there bugs outside, there are actually bugs on the trampoline.
shocking. i know.
well...not really. before you begin to snicker at my girls, i need to make a confession.
i too was terrified of bugs.
terr. i. fied.
as in, i couldn't focus on anything other than the bug in the room until it was squashed. dead. and i needed to double check the bug-killer's evidence before i could breathe and focus on anything else.
so, as i watched lyla see the teeniest, tiniest black bug on the black of the trampoline jumpy thing, you would think i would take her in my arms and hold her and soothe away her fear.
instead, i told her the truth; i couldn't see it.
and when i finally did see it, i told her that the bug was scared of her because to the bug, she was a giant.
(which then put livie in a state of panic because she is scared to go outside when there are clouds in the sky. why, you ask? because, giants live in clouds. very logical. and again i say, "i know".)
by the time the 40th bug was seen, i was ready to lose it. even though i can still remember the feeling in my chest that would appear whenever a bug did, my sympathy had runs its course.
so, i threatened to pack up the trampoline and take it back to the store.
thankfully, level-headed tony walked into the backyard and i gladly let him take over the feminine chaos that had ensued.
i watched as their daddy's soothing, strong voice began to calm them down. as they snuggled deep into his arms and found comfort and safety there. there was still a fear of every bug seen, but because daddy was there, it was going to be okay.
~~~~~
my heart has been broken, lately. it has been broken for a while, but just when i think that it can't hurt any more then it does, life seems to throw me a curve and shatter the pieces a tad bit more.
without going into all the hard, messy details, loss has seemed to dog me lately. grief is beginning to feel like a well-known companion. and yesterday, i felt as though i was going to fall apart. i wanted to fall apart. and i realized more than anything that i had no idea how to approach my Heavenly Father like a daughter. i felt shame over my past and present mistakes slide over me and cause me to feel unworthy of His grace or His mercy. i was the wicked. i was the one deserving His wrath. i was the one not worthy of protection. if He was going to stand up for anybody, it most definitely wasn't going to be me.
there was no way that i could approach Him and ask for, let alone receive, comfort from the Most High.
i began to wrestle through my quiet time. and lately, it really has felt like wrestling. Jesus has been going through different areas in my life that need His touch. i've been trying to be compliant. it's hard sometimes, though. you know?
anywho.
last night the passage of scripture that He led me to was this:
~therefore, since we have a Great High Priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. for we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have One who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. let us then approach the Throne of Grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. hebrews 4:14-16~
in my humanity, i fail so often in my parenting, even when i can remember having the same struggles or fears that my children experience, despite the amazingly deep love i feel for each of them.
and it's in the midst of my frail humanity that He reminds me to follow His example. because, He has seen my crying and brokenness and instead of telling me He doesn't see what is scaring me or that i'm bigger than whatever it is that is stopping me from moving forward, He bends down low and reminds me that He sympathizes with my weakness. He understands. and then He speaks words of life into my weary heart and urges me to approach Him with confidence. the confidence of a daughter approaching her Daddy. that i really can reach out for the grace and mercy that yes, i don't deserve, but that He freely gives in my time of greatest need and sorrow.
and in that moment, safe in His arms, i'm ready to jump again...
