i was asked...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

over the weekend if i would "hostess" a table at our church's womens fall tea.  or was it "fall womens tea", or...


i wrestled with my answer at first, for various different reasons, but eventually called back the caller and gave her husband a shaky but definite "yes".

he then reduced me to tears by his words of blessing over me because of one simple decision to serve.  fatherly types tend to do this to me, and this couple is extra special because i've known them most of my life.

monday rolled around and i came thisclose to backing out.

i had very valid reasons, but the verse "let your yes be yes and your no be no" continued to play over and over in my head.

so i left the phone alone.

i wasn't aware that the tables were going to be marked as different fruits of the spirit and as i was handed my name card with my "fruit" on it, i almost burst into hysterical laughter.

i was to be hostess to the "peace" table.

if anyone has ever doubted that my Heavenly Father has a sense of humor, this was the night it was confirmed that yes, in fact, He does.

my life has felt far from peaceful for the past 9 months. i was telling one of my sisters the other day that 9 months ago i entered the "year of grief" and it feels, at times, that there is no end in sight.

however.  i feel that i should write that word in bold, because it's an important word.


even in the midst of deep, soul-wrenching grief, where there is no rhyme or reason, Jesus is there.

in the midst of a table with a woman who feels the farthest thing from qualified to hostess "peace".

in the midst of almost a hundred women singing "He knows my name"

in the laughter shared with other women as we washed and dried tea cups, tea pots and bleach soaked cutlery.

in the quiet and dark drive home as the tears poured down my face.

in the welcome of a dear friend before i drove down the street to my sweet, waiting husband.

Jesus is there.

and He reminded me of that as i sat and listened to a fellow mom, who is also a missionary share these words,

Our life is like a path having a thick curtain hung across it, a curtain that recedes before us as we advance, but only step by step.  None of us can tell what is beyond the curtain. None of us knows what will happen tomorrow or even the next hour...we are absolutely dependent on God for the carrying out of our plans.  The person who fears God not only acknowledges this, but loves to do so.  He or she finds great joy in realizing our dependence on the moment by moment care of our loving, sovereign heavenly Father”       ~ J. Bridges

how beautiful to know that He knows my name...and yours.  He knows the next step for me...and for you. how amazing to know that even if everyone else forgets about you or me, He. Never. Will.

and in the knowing, comes His peace that makes absolutely no sense at all... unless you know Him.

even in writing that sentence He has reminded my heart of something.  yes, it may feel like the never ending "year of grief", but before this whole entire year started, He caused me to claim 2010 as the "year of abiding".

last night, as unqualified as i felt to sit at the "peace" table, He knew that i needed to.  He knew that my heart needed that reminder.

He knew i needed to continue to abide tenaciously.

so i continue to try...