He knows...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

but do i?

He knows the depths of my heart, how i long to speak out of the darkness of my sinfulness ~ to cause as much pain as i deem has been inflicted on me.

the want to be vindicated, the showing that i am not as how i have been painted to be.

i read somewhere this evening the truth that if i am more focused on the sins of others, i haven't truly begun to repent.

there is rich truth in this simple yet harsh statement...have i truly come to the place where i am humbled enough to see myself as i truly am?

and who am i?

i am made of dust.



mix tears of hurt and complaint in with all that earth and you are left with a muddy mess.

daily, do i see my true human state?  or do i grab hold of the grace so freely given and blithely wander throughout my minutes ignoring the stains, that harsh word quickly spoken, that hurt feeling that begins to fester into a blister of bitterness...

if i were to be honest (and even if i wasn't, you would know...) i choose the easy cloak of blitheness to wear over repentance every. single. day.

half-mumbled in prayers that are already being invaded by dreams as i drift off, safely cocooned in the warmth of my blankets and His Grace.

do i truly understand the cost of repentance?  could i recognize what repentance looks like - not in the life of the person next to me, but in my own?

He says, in His Holy Word, the sacrifices He finds acceptable are that of a broken and contrite heart.

do i know what that looks like?

i know what my broken heart looks like in the unexpected loss of my father-in-law.

i know what it looks like to watch tony walk through this dark valley with all it's ugly twists and turns.

i know what it looks like to watch all of my hopes and dreams for my life here slowly die.

what it feels like to face the tearing away from friendships that i hold so very dear.

what it looks like to watch my children hurt others and be hurt.

yes ~ my heart has been broken, but has it ever been broken in repentance over hurting my Heavenly Father?  over falling short?

do i find myself caught up in the wonder of the big-ness of His Grace and the horrid, putrid stench of my sin?


sadly, no...

i feel as though my heart has blinders and i wonder, how does one begin to take them down? how do i begin to view my life as it truly is; constantly striving against the ugly stain of sin that constantly mars each of my days?

and yet...

still, still a life covered by the blood of His sacrifice...

i don't ask, rhetoric.  i ask because i truly want to know.

His grace, so vast and all encompassing and my sin, so invasive, so warped...how do i see the depth of each so that i am completely repulsed by one and wholly humbled by the other?

i long to know.  i long to be changed ~ to truly taste and see the goodness of His undeserved Grace and live with the wonder of Him.

i want to live wild with the joy of His love...

i want to know...