I know...

i watched him, from my perch on that hard chair in the nurse's office.  he toddled around on the white tile floor chasing his shadow, his car, his imagination.

he was beautiful in all his innocence.

i looked up at that last moment, to see him slip out the door.  spoon in my hand and baby food dripping down.

no "goodbye" left my lips, but i never dreamed one was necessary...


she finished up with her questions and began to prepare for the next step...the step that i was aware of, but he wasn't.  i stood up to take him into my arms and he smiled.  he smiled because i was his mama and he trusted me to take care of him.

2 days later, new years eve morning and the girls were running around, elias was laying on the floor and i had a cup of coffee in my hand, visiting with the other sister who had married in and found a home in this family...both of us trying to think of anything other than what our hearts feared.

and i heard the door open...


and a voice that wasn't his, but was, call for me...


i set my coffee down.

pulled it back up.

i didn't want the babies to grab it...


i didn't want to hear...

 i sat down and began to arrange him on my lap, turning him into me so that his arm was exposed, that sweet, tender baby flesh, and placed my arms securely around him, holding him close...drawing him near so that the impact would find him turning into me...

the metal piercing flesh and the crying out in pain, confusion...

he didn't make it...kimberley, he didn't make it.  he took his life...


365 turns around the sun since that cold december morning and the impact of a single decision still burns with all the questions and confusion.

i think of the moment when the metallic sting of suicide pierced each heart of flesh of those that loved the one who chose to leave.

each one in a different place...

on the mountain,

in a home,

at a coffee shop,

at work,

shopping for slippers...

all under the watchful eye of a Heavenly Father who came near as we went about life unaware and innocent of what was about to happen...

but He came near and He gathered us close, wrapping us tightly in His grasp.

he still pressed in close after the needle was done, closer in fact then before it first pierced him.  he reached his tiny hand up to my face, resting it on my cheek reassuring himself that mama was close...

he didn't let me out of his grasp much that day...

this year has been one of learning to lean into Jesus, of learning to abide when pain entered and stole innocence.  when an earthly father i loved dearly chose to leave and i began to see God as the Father that He always has been.

He has been faithful.  He is faithful...and in the coming year, empty of the shock of the previous one, i know that He will still be faithful, just as present, just as good...

as i began to wonder about what word He would give for the birth of the new year , He gave me 2 instead...

I know.

and what exactly is it that is known to Almighty God?

right now, He has only shown me one thing,

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. jeremiah 29:11

in this season of healing, but also in this season of so many unknowns i know that i can trust His Voice as it draws near and whispers, I know, because He proved so very true in the abiding...

no, i don't know what twists and turns 2011 holds,

but He does...