what i am...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

i've stayed away from writing, pushed away the desire...struggled with the words, the emotions that fill strong and heavy.

how does one write the ugly?

the broken?

because that is what i am.

Good Friday found me awake in the dark and early hours.

i quietly slipped out of bed and curled up on my chair and opened my journal and poured it out to Him.

nothing repeated itself over and over...

so much nothing...so much that is empty.

the tears smudged the ink and i closed the pages filled with the emptiness of my heart.

the dark of the evening found us on a road far from home but near to his heart.

slowly passing homes tucked in for the night, we turned the corner and were met with the most glorious sight.  walls of windows shone with the light inside.  light inside meant for us; meant to lead us home.

arms opened, cake offered, ice-cream spilled from the plates of little ones and we were ushered up to bed.



morning came and the smell of breakfast greeted our noses.

dressed and hungry, we came down the stairs and we were fed and filled.

but it was more than an aching belly that was relieved of hunger.

my heart, too.

as i watched tony with the brother of his father who he misses so deeply...

as i watched the aunt who i had never met reach down and hold my baby boy and kiss my girl's scraped knee...

as i asked questions of a woman older and wiser than me...

as the young woman quietly walked in and gathered up my children to play...

as the Baba loved my children through sweet gifts...

as i walked the path by the river...

He spoke to me through my nothingness,

God sets the lonely in families...
pslam 68:6a

my heart still twisting in the strange dance of healing, i was hugged tightly and told i was loved as i climbed into the van to start the long drive home.  

the tears didn't stop for a while...

Easter Sunday dawned bright as my mind reminded me of all that is missing from our lives.  all those missing from our lives.

and the empty came back strong.

we walked into church, saw the little ones to their classrooms and we headed to the coffee bar when i caught a glimpse of the woman who i had talked to about the women's ministry.

i whispered to tony that i wanted to talk to her and confirm that the meeting i was planning on attending was still on for the following morning.

he waited in line as i headed towards her.

as i wondered if she would remember me.

and my trembling heart was met with arms opened wide and a hug that reminded me that He hasn't forgotten me here.

met with a smile filled with His love and hope.

He fills and fixes empty places, broken places...

He draws near to the lonely, the timid...

He can use me and you...

for His glory.  always, always for His glory.

my ugly, my broken can be turned inside out and made beautiful when i lift my thanks to Him.

and so i do...

glimpses of 802-817

* the way elias' eyes crinkle when he laughs
* olivia's small, sturdy body snuggled into the form of mine in the early hours
* listening to him breathe beside me in the quiet of the night
* the way he touches my face as he sleeps
*5:30am meetings with Him

* a light-filled-home
* the hug of a father
* the wisdom of a mother
* the kindness of a great-gramma
* being so loved the tears poured down for miles

*sleeping children ~ exhausted from running and playing

* the shuffle of my feet ~ so familiar as i hug the brother of the father who i miss more now than before
* easter morning
* feeling broken and being caught in an unexpected hug
* the "troublemaker table" and the women at it
* feeling a little less lost