the day after my 32nd birthday and life comes crashing back in as the routine picks up and the children squabble for attention and notice, as tony starts for work and becky leaves and the house is empty of adult voices save my very own...
and the laundry beckons and piles.
the computer and facebook lure.
the peace i had cupped and savored all but gone.
and my soul gasps for fresh air that isn't coming as life and technology press in closer, tricking the lonely that to add more will finally peg happiness and fulfillment while a soul silently withers and twists from a lack of true, live contact.
and tonight i gaze at pictures, hues deep and rich of the exotic and foreign...of the simple and the mundane and as my spirit responds to the call of the turbulent blue and i light with the hardy yellow of the corn, i realize too that even here, in immense beauty that stirs and woos, it has been re-touched. altered and enhanced.
it is no longer true.
and it's all around me, souls parched and hungry. feeling inadequate because truth is no longer enough.
and in the gasping, i feel the longing for something simpler. for summer days to be truly lazy and hazy, to not feel like i am depriving my little ones because we are choosing to take. it. slow...
we drove this weekend, he and i, alone and with the top down, in the middle of crazy and hectic streets.
horns blaring, people speeding, some walking looking broken and dead inside. and i kept thinking, this isn't how it's supposed to be. time already moves so quickly, why are we trying to speed it up even faster?
spinning frantically to the dizzying beat of not enough, not enough...i am never going to have or be enough.
as we are mocked by the unseen enemy who longs to make us feel empty and void even while we are filled and sealed with the very Essence and Giver of Life.
homemade cookies and my waist cinched by an apron won't bring me the simplicity i long for...
saying no and choosing a different route for our family may still raise eyebrows and cause me to second guess...
because in the loud and crowded-with-the-social-network lifestyle, and must-do-the-next-thing mentality, i lose sight of him, my children, the little moments that can be so rich if used well.
and i lose sight of Him.
when my spirit becomes bone-dry and empty i buy into the lie. i click-click-click...maybe reading this or following them will ease the ache that oozes and whimpers.
but i leave feeling more starved...
because only He satisfies.
only He fills.
only the One Who Created me can reach the deepest parts that He formed.
so i still.
and instead of longing for a shinier version of 1950's suburbia...
i long for Jesus.