God demands we depend on Him because only He can keep us safe. when we depend on Him, He takes care of us. when we seek security in other places, He is obligated to turn us back toward home...
the air outside, it's changed.
crisp and cool, the leaves have responded and bring out their brilliance they've been saving all summer and after a week of fever and aches and pains that still cling strong, i buckled us all in and took us for a drive.
there are streets here that are old. the pavement cracks and hints at simpler times when neighbours were close and children were safe.
so, i drive them.
and we get lost in the hush of a canopy of leaves that will soon grace the ground with their beauty.
i passed that one craftsman on that one street, the one with the most brilliant of trees and caught up in the reds and oranges of the season were hints of black and pink balloons.
the girl in the house?
she turned 17.
they were all out on the porch; i caught a glimpse of their celebration as i drove by and i glanced in the rearview mirror at my oldest.
at my middle.
time...it will move forward and soon, someday soon, there will be balloons and they will be closer to leaving here and the thought of it laced an ache through me stronger than a fever ever could.
he spoke last week, the pastor from the pulpit. pulled out that long ago story of the woman at the well.
he spoke on disappointed desire and how only Christ can fulfill. how our desires will always be disappointed until they find fulfillment in Him.
i sat near the back and listened, never dreaming that this week that found us sick and tired and weak would be the week that He allowed my disappointed desires to surface.
allow them to ravage through me until i came to Him empty.
and in the midst of it, driving around the old part of town, the words behind this song spoke softly from the radio beside me...
how fallen on a window, the relentless pursuit of a raindrop to go deeper, searching out a deeper source to flow into, caused these words to be penned.
i listened to it all last night, felt my soul respond to the calling out for Him.
i think of the journey i've walked so far, the broken places i've sunk into, the choices i've made...the hard moments He has allowed...and then i look at my children.
when it comes time for my house to be graced with balloons to herald in one more step closer to adulthood, will they find themselves prepared?
no, disappointment won't elude them. desires most definitely will be misplaced...but will they know to recognize that restlessness means search for Something more.
will they know that fulfillment will only come from entering into intimacy with Him?
she looked at me this morning, olivia did. the one whose name means peace brought her nose next to mine and kept it there, searching my eyes. i don't know if she found what she was looking for, but gently she laid her head down on my chest...her fingers tapping out the rhythm of my heart.