a letter for my three...

Monday, October 1, 2012

it's the first of october and by now, i would have thought sweaters and socks and red noses would have been a part of our days.

i even brought out the hot cocoa to the front of the cupboard for those "just in case" moments that call for something hot to warm you up.

you all keep asking to have daddy make the wood stove work,

we even have the comfy chairs and blankets in place...

i've looked forward,


i've longed for autumn to arrive and as one calendar page gives way to the next, summer wars with autumn and the hot-tempered one of the two seems to be winning.

it will come, i'm sure, when the season is ready.

but until then, we wait,


i sat in the quiet of a service yesterday, sat in the back with your daddy and leaned into the comfort of him.  our arms brushed and our hands intertwined and he would whisper sweet nothings at the most inopportune times, but then your baby sister began to move...the one who had been so still all morning, the kind of still that makes a mama begin to pray for a kick to the ribs.

soft movements started, like ripples in the water, as though she too needed to be still and quiet.

i understand those moments.

each one of us needs them.

and as a mama to the three of you and this one-to-be, there are times that i wait for them...


and it's not yet halloween and not even close to christmas but the stores have already intermingled the two and maybe it's for that reason that mary was on my mind for much of the day yesterday.  christmas will find me heavy and aching, ready for the release that your little sister will bring, but for now, i hold on to these moments...the moments that are full of just you three.  the moments that will most likely by the last of so many things...

i sometimes wonder at all the emotions that motherhood brings - the desperate need for order and space and quiet and yet,


the fear that all of it is moving too quickly and how in the world do you enjoy it all while you are barely surviving it all?

so i type it out in with this cursor that races ahead, hoping to catch the snippets that will sink deep into my heart; memories that will stay close when you have all flown away.

because you will, and my life will slow and yours will speed up and what you have lacked now i will try and provide and the foundation we lay now will become something strong for later and it is those moments that i wait for with hope...

but for now, my sweet and crazy three, i catch the quiet while i can, sit still with Jesus so that what i offer you will be full of Him and try and live fully in these moments,


i love you...


1537. brushing their hair in the early morning
1538. the light of a full moon
1539. feeling her foot against my ribs
1540. the way Tchaikovsky makes my heart thunder
1541. the violins moving like the waves of the ocean i crave
1542. jonah and what he reveals
1543. expecting fall
1544. expecting Him
1545. a call to place Him first...
1546. ...and realizing in what area He means
1547. victories, no matter how small
1548. tony
1549. that i get to experience life with-in one more time
1550. that i breathe for 2
1551. that i eat and drink for two
1552. that my heart beats for 2
1553. a fourth baby and the relationships they will all form
1554. that He orchestrates our lives
1555. none of it is out of His control
1556. i can trust Him. always and in all ways
1557. the dog hair everywhere
1558. for the calming that mercy brings
1559. for the way they are growing and maturing...