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i'm entering into the last few days where he'll be my youngest...my baby boy.
only, he hasn't been a baby for quite some time and yet, there are those moments when he climbs up on my lap, curls his body around my belly and buries his face in the curve of my neck.
these are the moments that i long to hold onto...
he sits beside me the other day, his plate full of his lunch - my mug full of my coffee and he reaches out that little boy-hand, the one that will someday grow large and strong, and he rests it on my shoulder and with his other he reaches for another slice of banana and he says all quiet and soft,
i sit by my friend, i sit by my mama, and i not go anywhere. ever.
he may not realize it, but this mama does, that someday he will go somewhere, whether near or far, and the hand that i hold, the small boy that i snuggle, the sleepyhead i sing over will be precious memories that i will long for.
and these hands of mine - the ones dry and rough from the washing and wiping, Jesus created them to open and close. and they do one or the other or even both for whatever season i find myself in...
and these little ones that He is filling our home with - they come near and press in close because they long for these hands to close around them in comfort and safety. they don't understand the selfish-mama-heart that in the chaotic (and yes, my more childish) moments longs for order and quiet and space and why at times i cross my hands blocking them from coming so close... they don't understand because that's not what these hands have been created for.
but my hands, the ones that try to clutch close the moments that fly by too quickly, the ones with joints and bones and muscles that all work together to peel back these fingers one by one, no matter how much the opening hurts this heart...
keeping them open, and positioned towards Him, is the only way i'll know how to walk this fine balance of keeping them close and letting them fly...
and it always, always comes back to Jesus. how in the letting go of ourselves, our agendas and what weighs us down, we are really lifting empty hands, waiting to be filled with Him...
because it is then that we love well,
friend well,
mama well,
wife well,
do life well.
and i wonder then, if that is when the present moments because sweeter and the memories become dearer, because He is truly apart of it all...
