it's in the quiet of tonight, as she is moving deep inside of me, that i realize in just a few short weeks my body will be letting go.
that as far as we are planning and we are concerned, she is the last of our babies to take up residency inside this body of mine and soon, this swelling and aching and stretching and kicking will become a memory and this season of birthing our littles is almost, almost done.
my heart hurts a little at the thought.
and while i am still coming to terms with the fact that there will be a fourth little one sharing these walls with us, i know that He has a plan for her, a plan for us as a family - it's just a little hard to believe that these days that i dreamed about and wondered about and planned for will all come to an end when my body lets go.
i think letting go has the great possibility of being both bitter and sweet.
because being filled and holding close seems more natural, doesn't it? as though it's what we are always searching for...that one thing, or one person, or one experience that will finally make us whole.
letting go, being emptied, releasing almost seems unnatural.
isn't it the loner that is always picked on?
but maybe that is what these 30 days are really all about, more than anything...doing what seems to go against my natural tendency and accepting the release so that what i crave is only Jesus and what fills my life is more of Him and maybe, just maybe, it's okay to be an odd one, that person who chooses to go against what's expected...
what i do know for sure, is that there is pain in the letting go.
but there is life, waiting to be embraced, at the end of the labour...
with Jesus, there is always, always, hope.
(Hebrews 11:1 ESV)