sleepless in...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

...for a week now i've been struggling with sleeplessness. no, it isn't due to livie (who by the way, has started solids! yay for longer stretches of sleep!!), and it isn't due to the fact that one by one we have all fallen prey to the dreaded cold season (tony is the last one to fall victim - poor guy is sleeping on the couch, unwakeable and unmoveable), it's due to my mind that won't turn off.

sitting looking at my clock that has just turned 1:17am, i feel emotions akin to ambivilence. no longer is the panic stricken thought of "how am i going to make it through the day on 2 hours of sleep?" nope, i don't think that way anymore because i know i can make it on 2 hours of sleep - or less.

so much has happened and changed in the last 3 months and i thought i was doing really good at holding it all together...but now another possible huge life-changing change may be happening in the next month or so and there you brain has gone into overdrive and so i lay in bed staring at the ceiling until 5 mins before tony's alarm goes off at 4am and then i'm awake at 6 to nurse and then i lay there. and lay there. and...yes, lay there some more.

so, i put my sleeplessness to use. today i went to costco and bought another 25 lb bag of flour and began baking. alone in my kitchen, being creative, having time to pray has been amazing. watching my pretty pink mixer mixing things brings such joy and allows me to forget some of my troubles for awhile. and i'm excited for tony to wake up in the morning and see my newest creation.
tomorrow's going to come bright and early, but for now i'm going to enjoy the smell of my cinnamon apple swirl bread. honestly, it smells cozy...maybe even cozy enough for me to fall asleep.

one can dream to dream, can't she?