Monday, January 7, 2008

...there are moments when i look at lyla, in all her happy abandon and wonder who she'll be. i don't doubt that she'll be full of wonder and zest as she faces life head on. i also don't doubt that in the midst of the wondering and zesting there will be moments of caution and uncertainty, moments when she'll call out for me.

to be honest, in my selfishness, i relish those moments.

they're becoming fewer and farther apart.

it's amazing how one's heart can be excited and break at the same time at the signs of blooming independence.

she'll be two in 23 days. i can still remember bringing her home, completely exhausted and completely terrified that i had gotten myself in over my head.

i had.

i couldn't have known that i would also be in over my head in love with this whirlwind of energy either.

i think that's why God places a desire in my heart for more babies. for 1 year (i know, i know - give or take...each child is different...), one precious year that crying out is for you, and as exhausting and frustrating (at 3 am it's hard to always know what the cry is for) and reward-less as it all seems, it goes by so quickly. and the eyes that sought out your own for reassurance are suddenly looking around in curiosity at the world around them.

i wouldn't trade the stage that lyla is at for anything. well, maybe when she's throwing a tantrum in public and all the moms who had perfect children who never whined or trantrumed are staring at me with those pointed looks...maybe then. but, maybe not. it's growing me too. i'm learning to drop the facade of trying to appear as though i have it all together because i don't. thankfully i'm also learning that there are moms out there who don't have it all together either and whether or not we know each other, there's solidarity in that one frazzled look shared in the frozen food section of the grocery store.

for lyla, i just hope that one day when the wonder and zest of life has temporarily disappeared and she is at a standstill ,full of uncertainty and caution, that i have taught her Who to call out to. oh, don't get me wrong...i hope that my phone rings at some point so that i can still love on her and make her laugh (hopefully we'll have moved beyond the antics of the "fish face" by that point...), but more then anything, i hope that she'll have learned to call out to Jesus...the One who placed the wonderlust in her heart in the first place...