the *binky*...

Monday, August 18, 2008

i don't know what you call it in your house...*soother*, *pacifier* or *bubby*, but in our house, we call it a *binky*.

lyla is very attached to her binky. so much so, that there is full on panic when it can't be found. so when i discovered about 2 minutes before we left gramma's house yesterday that the binky was nowhere to be found, i knew we were in for it. i looked everywhere...but, alas, the binky was gone.

secretly, i was kind of happy. i knew that it was going to be a battle when it was time to bid farewell to this constant companion of 2 1/2 years. (well, not constant, it was replaced regularly.) and since i'm already fighting the *potty-training* battle (for some reason, lyla has been terrified of it since we moved into this house...*sigh*.), i decided that one battle was enough.

i knew it wasn't going to be easy, lyla is very particular about having her binky in one spot, her blankie in another and her monkey in yet a third before she is tucked in and kissed soundly for the night.

so, i prepared her. i found myself saying sentences like: "binky went *bye-bye*", "no, mama doesn't know where binky went *bye-bye*, it was a one way ticket to...somewhere.", "i'm sure binky is very happy where he is.", "lyla is such a BIG girl that she doesn't need a binky anymore, and binky knew that, so he left without saying good-bye.".

and lyla, wise beyond her years, nodded sagely and would whisper "bye-bye, binky...i love you". my heart broke a little, but i was amazed at her ability to let go.

and then bedtime hit.

no amount of consoling, assuring, singing would help. my little girl was devastated. my heart really did break as i watched her trying to search for it on her chest and realized that she had experienced her first broken heart ever. and i couldn't fix it. (seriously. it's not like a big city where drug stores are open 24 hours...our drug stores close at 6. )

so...with nothing left to do, i closed the door behind me and sat on the couch beside tony. i tried to get comfortable and watch the olympics, but all i could hear was: "MAMA!!!!! my" over and over and over. and my already broken heart shattered into 10 million pieces.

and i heard my husband say: "sweetheart, she is okay...she'll get through this."

later that evening after i had crawled into bed and turned out my light, i tried to think and pray through my day so that i could finally sleep. i could have journaled, i could have blogged, but i think Jesus wanted it still and dark so that He could speak to me. you see, i was angry. angry and sad and broken. not because of lyla's binky, but because i don't understand the *why* as i watch someone i love dearly walk through a season of pain that she didn't ask for.

and the words He spoke so tenderly to my heart where the same ones He spoke so clearly the day after i found out about the journey she was about to embark on nearly a year ago. as i tried to navigate down the I-5, nearly blinded by the rain on the windshield and the tears streaming down my face, the only words that surrounded me like a cocoon were these:

"for I know the plans I have for (her)", declares the Lord, "plans to proper (her) and not to harm (her), plans to give (her) hope and a future." jeremiah 29:11

i can't say that my heart is completely at rest...i don't know if i can ever come to a point this side of heaven where i won't wonder the *why* of a situation. but as i hold my daughter who is missing something that was dear to her, reassuring her that even though binky is no longer with her, i am; i hear His words of love reassuring me that even though the world as i've known it is different, He is unchanged...He is here.