and (updated)...

Thursday, February 5, 2009

i was so tired when i posted this last night that the words just weren't there to write out my feelings and thoughts. now that i'm a bit more rested and livie is still napping (i think), i thought this might be a perfect opportunity. that and i want a roast beef sandwich, and depending on how crazy my craving gets, this may or may not be a long post.

i want to clarify that i am over the moon about having a boy baby - however, i'm used to *girl parts*, if you know what i'm sayin'...and so that *extra part* and the hazards that go with changing a diaper because of said *part* left me praying for a baby girl as i laid down on the table awaiting my ultrasound.

which was funny, because tony and i were planning like anything to get a baby boy implanted in my womb. i read up on all the theories, the wives tales, the right moment to conceive...and i followed them like anything.

eat lots of meat.

eat lots of dairy.

but not the sweet kind of dairy.
check. kind of.

eat lots of cheese.

eat lots of salt.
check. (my poor arteries...)

there was one theory about cowboy boots, but i just couldn't bring myself to follow that one...


morning sickness hit. cravings for anything salty and meaty hit. i even took a "chinese gender prediction test" that claimed to be 90% accurate (and was correct with livie) and claimed that in a sea of dates i could have conceived on, the one that happened to be the day was the only day that boasted the colour blue.

and so...i hoped.

but like i said earlier...i'm used to girls now. and it seems to help that i'm one too.

with my first two pregnancies, i was convinced i was having boys, but on the morning of each of there ultrasounds as i was getting ready i just knew they were girls.

yesterday morning, i had no thought either way.

and the closer the moment came, the more terrified i became about the baby actually turning out to be a boy.

again, not because i don't want a son...i just don't have the same parts, the same make-up, the same emotional fortitude that all boys seem to have. how am i ever going to do well at mama-ing a boy?

and then the ultrasound tech asked me to guess...i said "girl"...because honestly, according to "them", once you've had 2 of the same gender, chances of having a child of the opposite gender are slim to none.

and he told me i was wrong.

i can't explain the feeling that came over me. not because boys are better than girls...not because my girls are any less special because they are girls...but because i had prayed one night as we began talking about trying again, and i allowed my heart to whisper to my Jesus that i would love to experience what it would be like to have a son, to experience that relationship that every mother with a son talks about with a softened voice. to raise a son to love Jesus, to love others, to become a man who loves his family like his daddy does...

i know i don't have those guarantees...i can try my best and still possibly fail, but i get to experience the best of both worlds now. my girls are everything to me...we get to be all girly together, put on nail polish, giggle for no reason other then to giggle, understand each other without saying a word.

and now with a son, my house won't be as pink...there will be a second colour thrown into the mix. the sounds of little girls pretending to be mommies will be joined in with the sound of cars crashing into one another, growls and grunts.

but how fun.

how fun that my little corner will be filled with sounds that will resonate in my heart for the rest of my life...