the purpose...

Monday, March 9, 2009

what started out as a pictorial journey almost 3 years ago, has turned into a very personal account. this blog that was so full of pictures at the beginning has now been taken over by words.

that wasn't my intent.

and yet, it became my intent over time.

and then, just before christmas, i turned to tony in the night and whispered, "i think God has taken my words away."

i said the same thing to one of my sweet sisters.

both attributed it to writer's block.

which, at the time i'm sure was very accurate.

my baby brain doesn't function at top speed with #3...heck, it barely functioned well with #1. so i decided to post when inspiration hit.

i have over 300 pictures that i took for the purpose of posting.

but inspiration never hit.

i decided that maybe i needed to do a makeover on my blog. i downloaded backgrounds, elements, fonts, all with the purpose of giving a *new look* and hopefully a new boost of energy to my brain that lacked the words i so desparately missed.

i ended up in tears after each *look* missed the mark.

so i added new music. maybe that was the key?

it was a key...but it was a key for a whole different purpose.

for the last month or so, i would come to the computer, open my blog and read all the new things that others had to say or show. i would laugh and cry with each one, but rarely comment, for you see, my words really had been taken away.

instead, it was a time for my heart to be opened. the songs i chose to play as you visit have very special meaning to me and originally, i had put them on to share with you when i couldn't. however, i found myself coming to the office just to sit and let the words play over me when i felt so defeated, confused, angry and hurt.

and as i let Him *sing over me* (zech 3:17-19) my heart began to soften to see what i was so desparately hanging on to. and it wasn't beautiful. it wasn't even pleasing. and He kept urging me to let it all go.

that's hard. but if you listen to the very first song that plays when you come to visit you will hear the words *i give you this love song, it's all that have*.

and that's where i needed to be brought to. i have so many regrets, so many broken relationships, so many people i have hurt because of my foolish and young choices and in my frantic attempts to be *worthy* of His forgiveness, i thought my words, my blog could make up for it all.

these past few weeks have found me letting go of some things, and receiving new ones. new challenges if you will. will i let it consume me, will i sit and worry or will i give it all back to Him so that i can honestly say "my life is a love song to my's all that i have"?

and i choose to do that with you. i don't know who you all are that read my simple words...i don't know if we know each other, or if we don't. i don't know if you are one of the dear ones whose relationship was broken because of my broken-ness. i don't know if you are a random stranger who is sitting here in confusion. i don't know.

all i do know is that all i have to offer you now is what i'm given. my words aren't anything special without the One who gives them in the first place. He has brought me to a place of emptiness, a place where there is nothing left, so that He can be seen.

He had called me to wait. a verse that stood out to me at this time (though, at first i was confused as to why...) was 1 chronicles 14: 15: "when you hear a sound like marching feet in the tops of the poplar trees, go out...that will be the signal that God is moving ahead of you...". mind you, david was going out to fight, but my heart would beat wildly every time i would read over those words. and so i waited. and while i wasn't outside under a tree, i was in fact, in the bathroom with my rubber gloves on, beginning to clean - my heart began to beat erratically in my chest and i knew, either i was going to have a heart attack, or the time was now.

i chose to believe the latter.

so the purpose of this blog has been redefined i ways that i'm not even totally sure of. there will still be pictures, there still will be stories...but my heart is different. does that make sense? i don't even know if it totally makes sense yet to me...

but it will in time - i'm pretty sure of that.