something's missing...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

do you see it?

the picture of something missing?

i've been home 1 week.  1 week that started out with pulling into a dark driveway, unloading 3 travel-weary children and walking toward a dark house.

but something was different.

something was missing.

i couldn't see how different it looked across the street until the next morning, and i found myself staring at the newly formed gap in my neighborhood off and on throughout the day.

and then i went to the hospital.

both elias and i had ear infections.

we were given medicine and left so we could return to normal.

and then, at 4am i was awoken to elias vomiting all over me, coughing and vomiting some more.  for about 20 minutes.

so, off to the hospital i went again.

given another diagnosis and different medicine, i drove home in the quiet, dark, pre-dawn.

i stopped at the stop sign and sat there. not wanting to move forward, not wanting to drive by the house that was no longer there.  in the daylight, the space that once was filled looks odd, but in the dark...i'm left feeling frightened, abandoned almost.  what anchored my sight across the street is no longer there.  the tree that stands there alone looks lost and awkward.

the street i live on feels lopsided now.

kind of like my life.

everything seems off balance.

i feel like i shouldn't laugh anymore.  or be happy.  or be sad.  i feel like i need to stay in a state of...neutrality.

because, how does one really grieve?  there seem to be so many expectations placed on the i happy enough?  sad enough?  did i laugh too loud?  did i cry too much?  am i talking about my grief too frequently?  am i becoming a debby-downer?

i can work myself up into quite the mess.

and that soft, still Voice that i long for whispers "abide, kimberley.  abide in Me."

the other night, as i cried quietly into my pillow, pleading to know how to abide when all i want to do is fall apart, i pictured a grapevine in my mind.  and then i pictured the branches that grow out of the sturdy vine.  and i realized that the branch, if it's flowing with the life from the source, doesn't have to find away to stay attached.  it isn't clinging to the vine for dear life begging for the vine to not let it go. 

it is a part of the vine.  and it is supported by the vine.  it is given it's fruit bearing ability because of the vine.

it is all about the vine.

life has changed drastically for me in the last month.  more changes than i have ever experienced at one time.  i'm left feeling slightly insecure, more than a little anxious and very, very sad.

so yesterday, feeling that way and a bit more, i headed to my tuesday bible study.  i got there late (not such a shock if you know me well...) and found there was only one table open, with one lady sitting there.  not wanting to mingle or talk, i sat on the opposite end of the table and gathered my papers.

wouldn't you know it, Jesus had a word for me.  and probably for some of the other women there, but i heard it and i grabbed onto it and i savored it and i believed that i was being asked to change.

did you know that one way anxiety is defined in the hebrew language is; "to bow down, like prisoners before their captor" (niv application commentary, p.344)?

and i realized, with startling clarity, that the only One i want to bow before is Jesus Christ, because only in Him will i find the freedom to grieve and the freedom to live.

to top it all off, in His amazing sense of love and humor, after being prayed over by the 20 or so women in the room, i began to talk to the lady at the other end of the table and learned that she was a local grief counselor, who gave me practical steps and ideas on how to walk this new and strange road.

yes, something is missing.  someone is missing, but i'm learning that sometimes, all that is asked of the branch is to remain attached to the Vine...which, when you really look at it, is only able to be done because of the Vine.

i'm so glad it's all about the Vine...