dear lyla...

Friday, January 22, 2010

my faith has always been easier for me to write about then to talk about.  when i sit down to write, i have time to ponder what Jesus is speaking into my life.  it took your daddy taking me aside and showing me that it's important for me to pause in my quiet time to answer your questions.  to shut you out while i'm spending time with Jesus will only hurt your perception of Him later on.

and because i'm not a morning person, i try and have my quiet time during your quiet time.

which inevitably leads to questions about what i'm reading or doing or writing.

and so, i put down whatever i'm doing and try to explain.

but i'm a better writer than i am an explainer...

you always seem, though, to take my feeble explanations and accept them.

and that's a huge responsibility as a mama.


you always seem to think for a moment about what i've said, and then run off to quietly sit again.

except for yesterday.

in the last 3 weeks since your papa died, you have been asking a lot of questions about Jesus.  about heaven.  about your papa.  questions that i have felt so inadequate at answering.

yesterday was no different.  you asked who i was writing to.  i explained to you that i wasn't writing to anyone, i was writing about God.

"papa is with God, right mama?"

"yes, baby"

"and God and papa are invisible?"

"yes sweetheart."

"mama,  when is Jesus going to come back so we can see Him and papa?"

my heart stopped for a do you explain to an almost 4 year old the whole "end times" thing?

and then i knew.  His Spirit prompted my spirit to ask the question...

"lyla, you know what?  God loves you *so* much.  and He loves papa *so* much.  and papa is with God because papa chose to love God back and that is why he gets to be in heaven with Him.  so when we choose to love Jesus and ask Him to forgive the bad things that we do and ask Him to come and be a part of our life, we become His!! and that means when He comes back, we get to be with Him and see papa again!  do you want to talk to Jesus and ask Him into your life?"

and your head began to nod and the seriousness in your eyes melted my heart.

i don't know how you realized how solemn the moment was, but you bowed your head and closed your eyes and in the purest, clearest, sweetest voice, you prayed.  and you became His.

before we called daddy, i went in to the kitchen and began to cry, realizing that we couldn't call papa to tell him the news.  he would have been so excited and proud of you.

so i did the next best thing.  i asked Jesus, if while the angels were celebrating, if he could pull your papa aside and tell him the good news that we couldn't share.

i want you to know, sweet lyla, how honored i am to have shared that moment with you.  that even in my fear of failing to say the right thing, God used my shaky words to reach your heart.

i won't be a dull journey, baby girl, but believe me when i tell you, each step you take, whether they be joyful or full of pain, if they are taken with Jesus, they will be worth it.

i love you, more than words could ever say.


ps. and i'm sure that if there is tea in heaven, Jesus and papa would love to have a tea party with you...