Wednesday, January 27, 2010

i'm struggling. 

struggling to breathe, to think, to pray.

struggling to understand.

wanting the answers to my "why's"...

and there are so many.

wanting to step back in time, wanting a different outcome.

today feels surreal.

today feels even more raw than the day i found out.

today i found out a man that i went to church with, a man that i did children's ministry with when i was just a child, took his life on new year's day.

today i don't understand.

today i don't understand why i don't feel Him near.  why my words of praise sound so hollow.  why He allowed my father-in-law to make the choice he did, why He allowed my husband and his brothers to experience such horror.

i want to understand.

i want to throw myself at Jesus and scream why.  i want to scream until i have answers.  i don't want to leave His presence until He has seen my pain.

and maybe that's the place He needs me to be...He has seen my pain.  He knows it intimately.  maybe He wants me to be at the point that i don't want to leave His presence. period.  in happy times and times of pain.

kind of the point of abiding, huh?

someone once told me that in the times that we are hurting beyond what we feel we can bear and we can't feel Him near, that is when He is the the clothes against our skin that we don't feel after awhile, He is that close.

i'm choosing to believe He is that close today.  that because He is that close to me, i've made it to 4:30 in the afternoon,  i've taken my next breath. 

and if He really is that close, He will do what He has promised.  He does see that i'm broken, that my spirit has been crushed.  and He will bring healing.  to me, my husband and to all of us who have been so deeply affected by such a devestating choice.

so i can still praise Him.  i can still say that God is good, even when my heart remains broken.  even as i fight against despair.