you are...

Saturday, January 30, 2010

4 years ago today, you were 4 hours old. 

as my arms held you, my heart trembled at the huge responsibility i faced. 

every sound you made had me up out of my hospital bed, terrified that i wouldn't know what to do.

and i didn't.

but the One who gave you to me did and has faithfully shown me what you need.

in this time of sorrow that you are so innocently unaware of, Jesus has been giving me verses of comfort.  the other night as my heart was breaking, i was given jeremiah 31:2: "thus says the Lord: "the people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness."

as i laid in bed, i thought of that verse as applying to the future.  i have survived the "sword" in a sense, and the promise of grace in this wilderness i find myself in is a hope i need to cling to. 

but in the last couple of days, sweet one, i've come to realize that you and your sister and brother are my grace in this place of deep sadness, bewilderment and grief.  the three of you have been the gift i didn't deserve and the joy i have needed.

four years ago, i never would have pictured *this* as my present.  but four years ago, God already knew.  and He knew how you would bless my life, how you would be a balm to my heart when it has felt so raw.

happy birthday, sweet lyla.  as you turn another year older, may He become more dear. 

i love you, sweetheart.  bunches and bunches.