last night as i crawled into bed, i felt weary. not just from having 3 children struggling with night terrors/fevers/teeth coming in, but from the 15 days of...struggling. questioning. doubting.
the doubting came on suddenly and with strength.
in the middle of what should have been the safest place to be.
i sat down from having worshiped my Creator and settled in to listen to the sermon when suddenly the thought "is heaven really real?" began to make its way into my thoughts.
not, "is God real?",
or "does Jesus really, truly love me?".
no, the question that began making its home in my mind spoke to my fear. my fear of being alone, being abandoned. of never getting to see the faces of those i love again.
i tried to read the bible, but found it difficult to concentrate. i began to question everything i read, to the point that i would close the pages because i didn't want to begin to doubt the fundamentals of what i believed.
questioning heaven, i could handle. questioning God was too much.
but by yesterday (yes, the day of love), i couldn't see past my confusion, my anger, my fear. the mental fog had grown so thick that anyone who seemed to bump into me would bear the verbal brunt of my sarcasm, my impatience.
defeated, i crawled into bed last night with my journal, determined to wait on His Voice until He spoke.
granted, He could have chosen not to speak, but as Isaiah so tenderly put it, my Abba Father is gentle with those who have young (40:11), and last night, He was.
even before i pulled back the covers and opened the pages of my journal, a new Voice began to speak into my heart. I knew that Voice. i felt no fear, no despair. and i reached for my Bible to open to the verse that was being repeated over and over.
~o Lord, you have searched me and known me.
You... are aquainted with all my ways.
You hem me in, behind and before and lay Your hand upon me.~
psalm 139:1,3,5 (esv)
yes, He saw every time i was impatient with my children. every time i responded in anger. every time i longed for time to rewind, and yet...
do you see that?
two tiny words, but they hold such powerful, powerful meaning.
and. yet.
knowing that Jesus knows me fully. He knows the depths of my humanity and sinfulness,
and yet,
He surrounds me.
i am protected on all sides, by Almighty God.
and yet.
He still goes one step further.
He lays His hand on me.
He reaches past my guilt, my sin and lays His clean, pure, scarred hand on me.
that knowledge, that insight went past any fear, any question, any doubt and gripped my heart.
and as i continued down to verse 6, i couldn't help but say aloud with the psalmist, "such knowledge is too wonderful for me, it is high, i cannot attain it."
and that's okay. i don't need the answers. yes, there are moments when i want the answers. but i don't *need* them.
i am His. regardless of the circumstances, whether good or bad, i. am. His.
surrounded.
hemmed in.
held in His hand.
and someday, when i approach my Lord face to face, He'll fill in the missing pieces.
thank you, Jesus...
