oh, be careful little mouth...

Thursday, March 4, 2010

or, in my case, big mouth.

i have to be honest, i've struggled with abiding lately.

getting back into the routine of life, being surrounded by friends who listen, being the sole entertainer for my children throughout the day until tony comes home has left me exhausted. frazzled.  grasping for time to just sit and not think.

which turns into sitting zombie-like in front of the tv and/or computer.

which turns into the clock turning midnight and i haven't prayed.  haven't read my bible.  haven't intentionally sought out time alone with Jesus.

and so, when the opportunity came each day for the last two days for me to be in a situation where feedback was requested, i opened my mouth.

i opened my mouth, even when i felt the Holy Spirit repeat over and over to keep my mouth closed.  as in, firmly closed.

granted, i could fall back on the excuse that i wanted to help.  that i cared about all involved and that ultimately, my intentions were good, i really and truly did want to help.

doesn't matter though.  when He wants you to keep your mouth closed so He can speak, one better keep their mouth closed.

and i didn't.

my heart has been broken.  my pride...oh, my pride, has been shattered.  which, in the long run, is probably the outcome Jesus wanted.

when i first moved back here, there were a number of mistakes i wasn't going to repeat. i wasn't going to gossip.  i wasn't going to be easily offended.  i wasn't going to be petty.  i wasn't going to, i wasn't going to, i wasn't going to...

if it wasn't so sad, i'd laugh.

why "wasn't i going to"?

so i could redeem who i was.  so that i could show people here, i had changed.  that i was different, better...worthy.

do you see who my focus was?

me and "them".

wrong.  so wrong on so many different levels, and i want to weep from the shame and humiliation of it all.

my focus needed and needs to be on the one Who loves me and "them", more then i and "they" will ever know.

my eyes need to be taken off the created and lifted to the Creator.

i have been changed, i have been redeemed, my life has been made better...through Him.  when i try and *be* all those things on my own, they become as empty and hollow and as full of sin and grime as they were before i allowed Him to work in my life.

abiding seemed so...clean and comforting back in january, and maybe it will have those elements at times.  but, as i'm learning, you can't have clean until you do some deep cleaning first.

so, if you happen to see me and i don't say much...please don't take it personally.  i'm keeping my mouth Guard in place...for your sake and mine.