are we there yet...

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

two weeks ago now, before the heavy heat of late june began, tony came home with some news.

we had been given a gift.

a gift of time.

as with all things new, large and rather unexpected, i've struggled with this gift.  the length of time is staggering.  the fact that we are covered financially is overwhelming.  the timeliness is uncanny.  the mercy behind the action brings me to tears.

and for the first time since we lost dad, i feel as though i can breathe,  almost as if for the past 6 months i've been inhaling.  inhaling busyness, worry, grief, stress, pain.

oh goodness, so much pain.

however, there was one stipulation behind this gift, we had been told to grieve.

to be honest, my first impulse is to be suspicious.  the future of the ministry we are involved in has been considered by some to be in a perilous situation.  my first question was to ask if tony was being phased out of his job.  but every single question that we have asked has been met with a resounding "no".  and so, i have no choice but to face this in trust.

that's hard.

i'm just sayin'.

and so, early one morning this past week, we quietly drove out of our driveway and headed out into what has begun to feel like "the unknown".  we don't know what is in store for us in this time of seclusion and quiet.  what i do know is i don't unwind well.  transitioning from "the routine" to the "new" routine has been a difficult adjustment for me.

10 minutes into our adventure, lyla began to ask her daddy if we were really going to where we told her we were going.  tony patiently answered her excited question in the same way every time.  we would go for a ways, and then she would begin to ask again, almost to remind us that she was pretty sure of the destination...were we?

i feel the same way, in a sense.  "Abba?  Daddy?  are You really going to take care of us?  no matter the outcome?  as in, really take care of us?"

and He reminds me.  truly, He does.  1 week after tony told me of his gift, i was randomly flipping through my little notebook of Bible verses that i've written down to read when i become anxious or agitated.  one of them jumped out at me and i've clung to it like livie clings to me when she is startled by something. "the Lord replied, 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest'." exodus 33:14

He's with me.  He was with me when we started out on our journey, and He'll be with me until the conclusion of our journey.  and throughout these spaces in between, He'll give me rest.

and so, i exhale.  i exhale the worry, the stress, the fear, the panic...the pain.  and i place it into His hands.

because, in the previous verse, moses, terrified that the Lord wouldn't go with Him as he lead the israelites into the promised land, pleaded, "if You are pleased with me teach me Your ways, so i may know You and find favor with You, remember that this nation is Your people'." (vs. 13)

there has been part of me that has felt that i would be forgotten.  lost in a sea of faces that He knows so intimately, i sometimes wonder how He can see me at all.

and i feel myself starting to inhale again.  inhale all the things that He is asking me to let go of, instead of choosing to trust Him.  to believe Him.  to be taught by Him so that i may know Him in return.

i so desperately want to know Him in return.

and in that very thought i am reminded to exhale again, but this time with His Holy and Precious Name on my lips.  the Name that He has invited me to use.  the Name that is mine to boldly call out because of Whose i am.

"it is as God's children that we find our sense of belonging.  'you have received the spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father" the Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ' (Romans 8:15-17)
we who are trusting Christ are the heirs of our Father, God. but what is the inheritance that we want from our Father? in this passage, paul pictures us calling to Him, 'Abba! Father!' we are like children at the end of a long day. the only thing we want is our abba, our daddy.  the yearning of our hearts is for Him.  and that is the great treasure we inherit from our Heavenly Father - Himself." (pg 15)