they are wobbly, and this post is long...

Sunday, July 11, 2010

today was hot.  not just warm, or uncomfortable.  today was hot.  i was sitting in my chair by the open window after putting my little ones to bed, dozing slightly when a cool breeze burst through the screen and caught my attention.

it was time to write.

i say that because i've felt the words deep down in my spirit for the last couple of days, but i've been putting it off.  sheer exhaustion is a culprit  (yes, even on an extended vacation...:)).  but so is another feeling.

i wrote one of my sisters yesterday that i was feeling antsy.  at first, i misinterpreted the feeling as boredom, but no, i know now that the feeling that has been dogging my every step is the one that has left me feeling...antsy.

elias is now walking.  not "walking" walking, but wobbly walking.  most times he takes 7 steps before he lunges forward and connects with either a chair, a person, a table or the ground.  it's completely and utterly adorable.  i sit and i clap ridiculously, even get the other people in the room to join me in cheering him on in even the tiniest accomplishment.

and he grins.

oh, my.  he grins.

he knows that he has made his mama proud.

those precious feet make me want to cry and cheer and hold on to him and help him move forward all at the same time.

there are times that i don't know how one heart can hold such emotion without exploding.

hmmm, but what does that have to do with my need to write?

2 reasons.  but only one that i feel comfortable writing about now.  the other...the other is too raw, too new, too hard right now.  but, it's an obvious path that He is wanting me to take, and so, when the time is right, i can't imagine not writing about it.  but for now...

i'm wobbly.

i read somewhere of a woman who described herself as a late bloomer.  converted at the tender age of 6, she has gone through many stages of growth as a christian.  and it is only now, in her late 30's that she is consistent in her walk with Jesus, consistently feeling His leading, consistently growing in her knowledge of and intimacy with Him.

now, i'm not in my late 30's (i would just like to clarify), and i accepted Jesus into my life when i was 4, but i can relate to her belated blooming.

my earliest memories are of playing "grocery store" and having Jesus as my most faithful customer.  He really liked tomatoes and chocolate.  archie and jughead were next in line, but some of my best conversations with Jesus happened when He decided he had a hankering for some "smarties".

and then, so quickly, shame entered my life.  my innocence was taken, silence was "encouraged" and my life changed completely.

i still remember, sitting in my grade 4 classroom wondering what it would be like to be like the other girls around me.  to not "know" what i knew.  to be clean and pure.

to be innocent.

i can't say for certain that it was those years that i was used for another's pleasure that caused me to ebb and flow in my relationship with Jesus.  i never doubted His presence in my life.  i never doubted that He was God or that i believed in Him.  for whatever reason, as unworthy as i felt, i didn't want to ever let Him go.

even in those moments when i tried desperately to find my worth in another.  whether it was friendships, whether it was in musical performance, whether it was in my ability to make other people laugh...or whether it was in being worth something, anything to a man.

it was in the last few years before my Heavenly Father brought tony in to my life that i nearly threw everything away, i was just that desperate to know that i had worth.  i guess that is where the distrust in Christ that i had denied for so long reared it's ugly head.  as ugly as what had happened to me had been, i believed that i was uglier still.  too ugly for the King of Heaven to redeem.

that makes me want to sit and cry just reading that.  because there are still moments that i believe that lie.  there are still moments when i sit in a church auditorium, surrounded by believers that i still feel that i'm tainted.  that my spirit is so ugly, He could never meet me there.

this morning was one of those mornings.  tony leaned in close and whispered, "you look worried".  so many emotions were just barely swimming under the surface and i could hardly breathe.

and then my spirit felt Him near.  as my husband's arm encircled, pulling me close, my heart began to pound. (yes, in part out of the nearness of the one of love, but...) out of the two words that have been showing up in everything i've read or heard, "fear" moved to the center stage.

for as long as i can remember, my life, my actions, my decisions have been based on fear,  on the scary "what ifs".  and more recently i've seen fear played out in the actions of my oldest, the one who wants to mirror her mama in every word and nuance.

He used lyla and her fears to get my attention. and i'm finally ready to hear.  to learn.  to change.

and so, it was in that moment that i read,

"as christians, we should be the last people to be afraid of anything.  we claim what paul asks us in romans 8:31 - "if God is for us, who can be against us?" - but act otherwise when the foundation of our home is shaken.  our children shouldn't see fear in us.  we can't say with our mouths that we trust God and contradict that trust with our actions.  our actions speak much louder than our words...we teach our children fear instead of faith when we try to live in our own strength instead of depending on God's ability.  you and i are not meant to live that way.  we are only required to do what we can and look to God for what we can't do."  an untroubled heart by micca campbell pg 91-92

elias is just beginning to learn to walk without hanging onto something.  i'm learning to walk while holding on to Someone.  we're both rather wobbly.  we both fall.  but just as i catch his eye to show him how proud i am of him, my Abba Father shows me His pride by singing over me.

instead of a hymn to share with you, i want to share the song that He sang over me today, reminding me that,

 On that day they will say to Jerusalem, 
“Do not fear, O Zion; 
do not let your hands hang limp. 
The Lord your God is with you, 
he is mighty to save. 
He will take great delight in you, 
he will quiet you with his love, 
he will rejoice over you with singing.”   Zephaniah 3:16-17
please take the time to listen to the song and to read the lyrics.  allow the God of all Comfort comfort you wherever you are at.
(you just may need to pause the "i pod" on your right.)