i didn't.
i could hear my voice rise in pitch. the cadence of my words went from cautious to runningintoeachother in a matter of moments. the panic that overtook me left me unsettled and barely able to concentrate on the words at the other end of the phone.
and then, the caller paused and said, "why can't you trust that God will take care of you? why do you always doubt in His provision?"
why?
it would be so easy to say "because He has let me down before. because i have trusted and because i have been disappointed...so there."
but, it's not true.
sure, there are times when He has been firm in His "no". (ummm...that guy i was dating? yeah...that was a good "no".) i have questioned His plans, i have wondered about His leading, the path that He has chosen for my life. i have been left feeling lost, confused, angry and bewildered. there are some decisions that He has allowed that i still don't understand, but my dear sweet livie, whether or not He gives me the "why", He always, always, always has given me peace.
after the phone call this morning, i don't know what our future holds. i don't know what my Jesus has in store. but i do know that i know that i know, He will prove Himself faithful, yet again.
i just have to keep holding on with Him...
i love you, precious one. thank you for showing me what it looks like to hold on tenaciously.
~mama
