there are moments when the pain of a situation can force the wind out of your lungs. when all you can do is blink and pray that you don't fall apart in the crowd of people you find yourself in.
when you wonder what it is about you that isn't worth the exertion that it would take to mend and heal what is so incredibly broken.
and it doesn't seem to matter what the relationship is, all that matters is that your heart pounds with the same pain and passion that the psalmist's did when he cried, "for my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in!" (psalm 27:10)
forsaken. the word itself sounds as desolate as it means. abandoned. deserted. forlorn.
have you ever felt it?
i feel marked, as though it should be obvious to everyone. as though it is shouting through the subtle whispers, "she's forsaken. she's forsaken. she's not worth it." over and over again. and i begin to be lulled into believing that it's true.
until suddenly, the music stopped.
friday night, alone in a hotel room on a silent retreat of sorts, i opened to isaiah 62. there was a connection to psalm 37 in the first 2 verses that i wanted to read again when curiosity got the better of me and i continued on.
fascinated by the beauty of God's love for His city and His people i savored His words of blessing,
1 For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet, until her righteousness goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch.2 The nations shall see your righteousness, and all the kings your glory, and you shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will give.3 You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
but it was verse 4 that brought a halt to the broken record in my mind,
4 You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her, and your land Married; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married.
i have my moments of nerdiness. shocking, i know. but this nerdiness manifests itself in the love of words. lately, this love of words has taken me to a whole new place of discovering the meaning of the original hebrew and greek words in the old and new testaments.
and while both english and hebrew have extremely similar definitions for the word "forsaken", azab, the hebrew equivalent has a very odd (to me at least) definition at the end. it consists of only 3 words, "to restore, repair."
i sat there for a moment, confused. how does restoring and repairing have anything to do with the raw pain that this word manifests?
if i go back to my starting verse, "for my father and mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in!", i find that those last 7 words answer my question perfectly.
yes, my heart is broken. yes, by definition and by action, i have been forsaken.
my repairing and restoration won't come from the human answers that i long for. God permits brokenness and pain so that we will turn and find Him more readily. because only He can offer what our hearts so desperately need. it is only God who can look at you, at me and say loud enough for all of creation to hear "her name isn't Forsaken anymore! if you are going to call My daughter anything, call her My Delight, because. it. is. true."
i find that the two "tunes", if you will, compete now...but only one of them is a broken record. and if it's broken already, i know the power of my Redeemer's truth will shatter it completely.
will you believe it with me today? that your name and mine are really, honest to goodness different?
and not only different...