it's after midnight...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

30 minutes to be exact and my mind won't quiet.

as though, like a certain middle child of mine, she can't remember to use her inside voice.

as though this mind of mine must always be busy, thinking, processing, grieving, questioning, wondering, second-guessing...

it never stops.

as i rest my head on my pillow, slide my way across my half to his so that our bodies are pressed together for warmth and begin to lift my heart in prayer i find myself, moments later mentally dealing with a problem to be dealt with in the morning.

and my prayer is left hanging between the Holy and the so very unholy...


abiding ushered in the new year in a most unwelcome way and apprehension of this first holiday season without has begun to loom in a fierce and harsh way.

and while it is a distraction i could grab hold of and run with...

i can't.

i feel, as the season of advent and waiting and expectation surrounds my days, i am being asked to enter into a time of silence.

which is frightening.

expression through words is healing for me...and as the 29th-31st approach, i find myself wanting to find a way to cut them out of my calendar and throw them away.

how could it be almost a year?

i feel the anxiety and panic race through me...i feel my sorrow and our pain and the logical side of my brain chastise my heart, "it's almost been a year! get over it already."

but how can you get over loss?  how can you get over not having said goodbye?  how can you get over any of it?

and all throughout this evening, as i've sat and felt hollow and looked at my unadorned christmas tree and listened to my sweet lyla wonder where the ornaments are as she looks me expectantly and i sit there word-less i realized what He has been asking of me.

give your words to Me.

this month ~ this scary, wondrous, holy, horrid month will find me quieter here in my little corner, leaving this year behind the same way i entered in...learning to abide.  learning to press close.  giving Him alone my words.  allowing Him to show me what new focus this new year will have.

so, sweet friends, those i know and those i don't...yet.  may this coming season find you found.

found in Him.

found in the midst of family, friends and the warmth of what christmas truly means.