i bent over the sink full of hot water and dirty dishes, reached in my pink-gloved hands and swirled the soap until i found the dishrag buried beneath the heavy load.
i bent my head and my shoulders followed suit.
the tears began to mingle with the steam from the water.
and then i heard it...
and i listened.
as he remembered times long before he ever knew that i existed, i didn't even have to turn my head to hear the smile in his voice, to know which words his hands would emphasize.
his laughter over a younger brother who was no older than our oldest and the dog who tried to steal food out of the hands now grown.
i stepped back into time for a moment, with him, to experience glimpses of the fragments that formed him into the man that he is today.
that man who i love today.
who i have loved for a decade...if not more.
this week, the one that ended in me bent over a sink in defeat and sorrow has begun again in newness, baptized in dirty dish water and his laughter that draws my heart closer...always closer to him.
the gratitude journal sat quiet these last 7 days, my pen feeling as heavy as my heart, so in this space, on this valentine's day, i celebrate him...the one my heart has most reason to give thanks for.
~ that moment, that amazing moment when he sat down next to me and didn't leave for 3 hours...making me miss a class and fall for his smile.
~ that crazy toque, the one he claimed was magic and could protect him from all harm.
~ that he still has it.
~ for pursuing me, even after he heard about me.
~ for not caring about who i had been.
~ for always seeing who i can be.
~ for the way he kisses.
~ the way he still pursues.
~ the way he reaches out and stops me, takes me in his arms and holds me until i relax into him.
~ his patience over these years as i've learned to relax into his love.
~ for being my family.
~ for showing me what forgiveness looks like...
~ what a daddy looks like.
~ what a friend looks like.
~ what passion looks like.
~ for standing up with integrity, even if it meant we lost everything.
~ for choosing me.
oh tony, you chose me and you continue to choose me and i look at myself and my selfishness and brokenness and failures and sit here amazed that you would still choose me.
and i don't understand, but i don't want to let go of what that feels like. what it feels like to be rejected, used up, tossed aside...
only to be found.
found, tony. you found me and you showed me love in the sweetest and purest of ways and in you, in your love i have caught glimpses of Him...
and i am forever, always, crazily thankful for you.
i love you, sweet husband of mine.