Sunday, February 27, 2011

change came knocking at our door once again last week.  bags are being packed, goodbyes once more being said, the unknown looms over the road we soon will find ourselves traveling on.

and the brave me that had taken the first step past fear just 2 short days ago types with trembling fingers and a heart that is beating far too quickly for its own good.

i know where some of this is coming from...where the tears and the suffocating grief have appeared...

this next step is the one that brings us closer to home...

but not really home.

home is back there in my yellow house, pink kitchen, happy backyard and friends down the street.

home is where all of my dreams died.

home is where i wasn't worth the effort to salvage what was broken.

home is where all the unanswered questions remain and the closure never happened.

home is where i want to, but can't be.


who would have ever thought that one tiny word could carry all the weight of the world in a heart that desperately longs to return to the four walls i knew and the friends i loved and the life that, for a time, was lovely.

and i know, i really do, that home is where he is and they are...i wrote about it before.  home isn't the floor i put my feet on, it's in the hearts of those that i pledged myself to and carried deep inside my belly.

they are my home...

and we will be able to make a new home together within different walls, on a different street...

even when reality blares the obvious: it won't be the same...

no it won't, but He is.

He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

and He is asking me, requiring it of me, to believe Him.

will i?

will i trust that His plan is not to harm me even if it means pain right now?

will i trust, as i watch it all slip away and turn to dust, that in time He will restore to me what i've lost?  that He already has in the men and women who have stepped in and been the mamas and daddies that my heart has needed?

that through friends, He has provided sisters and brothers in this time of transition and i can trust Him to do it again when i get home.

no longer is it a matter of can i... 

it comes down to the choice of will i?

will i trust past the trembling hands and the palpitating heart?  will i trust despite the unsettling news and the panic that threatens to overwhelm?

will i trust despite the hemorrhaging questions that leave my heart wounded and weak?

i reach out my hand to open my little red book, pick up my blue pen and write out my yes to Him in the smallest, yet deliberate of ways...

 glimpses of *382-*500

*snow-covered sage brush
* black spotted cows
* stacked hay bales
* vintage blue and white buses
* hidden creek bed
* old stone church
* wide, open horizon
* patches of snow on a life-less ground
* a lone cross ~ reminder of a life that was
* sweet old men and their trucks
* friends laughing together
* a mama holding her baby close
* the 500th asking of how much longer?
* big toothy smiles
* extra foam on my latte
* bright! red! curls!
* little footprints in snow
* holding small hands in a crowded parking lot
* an oven warming
* hearts connecting
* tears shed in safety
* hands reaching across a table to pray
* a mama's heart with room enough for me
* bright. shocking. blue.
* a mug half-filled
* holding her hand up the stairs
* cardboard box forts and the comfy blankets within
* reminder to free-fall
* a basement to play
* father and son
* toys as old as me
* love letters
* braided hair
* green paper clips
* his reflexes
* hearing him sing
* snow covered chimneys
* being kissed soundly
*waking up to the smell of coffee
* a smile you feel right to your toes
* trimmed hair
* mashed potatoes
* gravy
* the mamaB who makes them
* his perfect little hands
* the way he says yay!
* teaching her to write numbers
* house-hunting...yes, even that
* julia
* tricia
* marilyn
* mamaB
* stephanie 
* esther
* pat
* corky
* sharon
* those who prayed for us
* spilled juice
* enough napkins
* worship
* an amazing relationship with tony's mama
* her fur collar that lyla loves
* olivia's spunk
* elias entering the "two's"
* 6:43 am wake-up calls
* my Bible in my hands
* him ~ always him
* a different road back
* porch lamp turned on for us
* warm hugs
* ice water
* birthday cake
* game night
* icicles
* the cold drive home