layers...

remnants of valentine's day still grace certain store fronts throughout this temporary space we find ourselves in.  bits of pink and flowers and hearts beckon one to remember to love in the simplest of ways...

and i try.  i really do and there are moments that i do it well and purposefully and strong.

it's easy when the sun is shining and there is a clear road free of obstacles and the ice of winter...

and then, the snow begins to fall again...

i glanced out the window as i began to think about what to make for dinner and smiled at what i thought was fog rolling in once more.  i moved closer to the glass to watch, to welcome the mysterious that had revealed Him so clearly and instead saw the movement of tiny flakes caught in the wind.

small and minuscule quickly became large and i felt the weight of it...

soon, the drifts would build again and the tiny would layer deep and where hope was easily found one day before, it would quickly become buried.

so, once small hands and faces were washed and prayers were said, lullabies sung and one last promise to come and check, he pulled on his jacket, grabbed his keys and drove me to my favorite little book store with the coffee and chai and the name that took me 2 years to pronounce properly and i sat down in the dark wooden chair and closed my eyes...

and opened them again to read this,

the lion may roar and you may start to tremble, but while you're shaking, remember, "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 timothy 1:7, kjv). fear God and God alone. say with Job, "i know that Thou canst do all things, and that no purpose of Thine can be thwarted" (job 42:2) ~kay arthur

fear, though i try and ignore it...though i try and pretend it away, has been my constant companion for over 26 years and until tonight, until the chai warmed my hands and His Words pierced my heart, i have believed the problem lay within me...my lack of strength, fortitude, discipline.  

i have tried and striven to overcome what had happened to the little girl i was by trying to be good enough now as a wife, a mama, a friend...but i fail.  

horribly. 

when the first step that i've needed to take all along is to lift my eyes above me and all my tryings and acknowledge Whose Spirit i have been given...His.

His!!

One lacking completely in fear and timidity.  One Who, when i find myself in Him, brings change not to destroy, but to transform.

it's only one step.  one step in how many that need to be taken away from the brutal grip of fear, but it is one that i can take.  

one that i'm choosing to take.

hope cannot be buried when it layers on True Hope one tiny, minuscule choice at a time...