Wednesday, February 23, 2011

i stood on the side of a highway, 4 1/2 years ago, and raised the camera to my face and froze the ocean still...

the day, dark and stormy; the air was crisp and cold.

i don't really know why i asked him to stop the car...why the lonely scene gripped my heart the way it did, but i reached over and touched his arm and the turn signal began to flash as he pushed on the break pedal and the crunch of the shoulder snagged at our wheels and i opened my door and faced isolation.

and i captured it.

yesterday, the walls began to close in...tensions building, tempers flaring so i put little arms in coats and little feet in shoes and placed each one in their own specific seat, held in by seat belts locked in place.

we each needed our own space...

i reached over and turned on the radio and soon laughter replaced tears and singing replaced tattling.

and my shoulders relaxed...

where are we going? soon wove through the melody that had us all smiling and i answered back that i didn't know...that mama just needed to drive, that sometimes the motion of movement is needed to calm a restless spirit.

they all looked at me, all nodded, as their eyes gave away their thoughts that sometimes a mama doesn't make sense.

i drove to my favorite little road and turned in and found myself repeating what my girls had asked only minutes before...

lonely and stir-crazy i whispered to Him, where are we going?  what exactly is the plan?

i found myself easing the wheel to the right, slowing to a stop so that i could breathe through the ache and lifted my eyes,

except for a small glimpse of the base of one mountain, they all had disappeared...the clouds had fallen heavy save for the soft glow of the sun.  

i know that feeling intimately.

when everything is removed and nothing looks the same and you wonder if it ever will again.  i sat there, window down, with tears on my face, my heart whispering, i know.

quiet moments of reflection don't last long with three little ones and soon small voices became loud and i prepared to ease back onto the road when i looked up again, this time to the left of me,

in one turn of the head, the seed of hope sprouted.  this mountain, strong and sure doesn't disappear when the shroud of fog rolls in...

and it remains even when the mist and darkness lift and move to the other side of the valley.  the water in the air may cover and hide, but it can never remove.

i sometimes forget that He is solid, firm, unshakable ~ when my focus is on the wispy mists of harsh circumstances.  when i don't feel Him near and His plan is suddenly obscured from my finite eyes...

54 days since the start of a new year and more changes then i was prepared for, He speaks His words into my spirit again...tenderly but firmly,

for I know the plans I have for you, 
declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, 
to give you a future and a hope.
jeremiah 29:11

standing once more on the side of a road nowhere near an ocean, i captured the image of hope unmovable, of Love so tender and kind and opened my hands wide to His gift of faith...