shutting her down...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

the decision had been made quietly;

last friday, before i pulled the covers up and over my head.

i was done.

and so were the words in the this little corner that has become my own.

and then i ran away.

from this valley and the heat and the words that found me here.

through the mountains and the forest until i was forced to stop at a bridge shut up tight.

and i found myself stranded with no map and no idea where to turn.

until the calm voice at the other end of the phone found me and pointed me in the right direction.

and the salt air wrapped around me and soothed my broken heart,

on the boat that cradled me and rocked me and carried me to the friends who are home.

and we drove the following morning...the 3 little ones and i, until we found a small patch of beach all shrouded in mist and we climbed out and i watched them run...

they ran with abandon at the wonder of the ocean;  at the thrill of old men casting their lines.

at the mama doe and baby fawn stock still on the rocky sand.

at the seashells embedded deep and the imagined creatures waiting beneath the waves.

i watched their wonder; i drank in the vastness of the deep.

i felt Him near.

tonight, the phone rang in the midst of a sea of emotions.

as i felt lost and in need of an anchor.

and a calming voice found me on the other end.  a voice who listened and shared and pointed me in the right direction.

because that is what she has always done...she has always pointed me in the direction of Him.

how can i ever wonder that He is far away?

because i have...many times.

when life changes and circumstances shift...

when words are spoken and can never be taken back.

when i open my front door and the ambulance is parked out front...

when i can't even imagine at the devastation and horror just 5 feet away.

but He is there...always, always there.

and i can't explain it, because He is too big for words...for my words at least.

but He is.

and that's why i love Him.

and why i keep writing...

because He's here...

in voice of my aunt,

in the wonder of my children,

in the love of my husband,

in the overwhelming beauty of the sea...