dear olivia...

it all fell apart before i really even began.

laid out in picture perfect order, i was preparing to create the cake of your dreams.

you know the one...

the one you have only been talking about for the last 2 months.

i flipped the bowl that held the baked chocolate and watched as half came out.

half.

and as though to prove the point to my disbelieving eyes, i peered deep into the dark of the metal and blinked twice.

once, because i thought i could make the left over chunk disappear.

twice because the tears were coming.

we started out that way, you and me.

as though life had been flipped over and something was missing.

and as hard as i tried to be okay, i wasn't.

and i wonder now if you didn't ever sleep those first 2 years because you were determined to force your way into my heart.  

i want you to know, sweet one...it is a battle you have won and conquered.

i have fallen for you completely, just took a bit longer than i wish it had.

when i think of these first 4 years of your life, how quickly they have gone and all that you have experienced, i am amazed.

two major moves, three major losses, a baby brother added to the mix...

and you remain the rambunctious, silly, passionate, gregarious person that you have always been.

i wonder at the plans He has for you, miss olivia grace.

you have such a big personality for a such a specific purpose.

who else could yell at the top of their lungs, spin in crazy, dizzy circles, get ferociously angry and then shower anybody and anything with kisses all in the space of 3 minutes and have won the hearts of everyone around you?

all while wearing a flouncy skirt?

oh oliva,  i tremble and wait eagerly to see how His story for you unfolds.

you asked me, 2 months ago, for a monkey cake for your birthday.

you have talked of little else without including this specific request.

i have known how important this has been to you.

so when i held the crumbly, chocolate brains of the monkey who had half a head intact, i felt like i had failed you all over again.

and so, i took the advice given and began piecing the birthday monkey back together again.

layer on top of layer until he was rebuilt.

it took a while, but soon, it began to take form and the broken was made whole and i thought of you.

of us.

and i thought of Him.

The One who formed you in my deep.

Who knit you together behind my skin.

Whose Hands touched you long before my arms ever held you.

no, i don't know what your story will hold, how it will play out, why you have been given the amazingly resilient personality that you have.

but what i do know and what i pray you will come to know through the years that He gives: He can take the broken and the crumbly and when all hope seems lost, when it looks too far gone, that is when He does His best work.

oh, there may be areas that look a little lumpy or odd.  but that's to be expected.

there may be pieces missing, but He always fills in the gaps.

really, He does.

you may not see it in the moment, but please believe me, sweet girl.  He really does.


and in the end, it may not look exactly like you expected it to, but there will be joy in that moment, olivia grace.  because He has held you in His Hands the whole time.


you came into the world face up, screaming your head off until they placed you against my heart.

not much has changed.

and my prayer for you as you turn four and face another year, that you will keep your face turned up, that you will learn to look for Him in all the little and big moments that He gives and that you won't settle until you come near to His Heart.

It beats for you.


happy birthday, my baby girl.

i love you always, always, always.

~your mama