those summer days...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

it's the first of september and the sky is golden pink outside my door...

and summer begins to bow out gracefully as the crisp of autumn eases into the air.

i take a deep breath because it is here...finally here.

i awoke this morning and practically skipped to the kitchen to tear off the old month of august from the calendar hung on my wall.

august is done and soon cozy sweaters will be donned and hot cocoa will be sipped on those darkened evenings before bed.

i could practically smell the wood smoke that will soon fill the air.

but as i grasped that page made of paper, i paused as i looked at the names written down and i let august have a few more minutes to stay.

and i glanced down at the one who has been with me for 5 1/2 tall and graceful, gaped smile and all.

and this summer...the last one before school officially begins has slipped away so quickly.

how is it possible for an ache to settle in so deep?

a friend welcomed a child into the world yesterday evening, tonight she holds him while he sleeps and i remember those first moments with her...the ones where i couldn't get enough of her newborn smell,

the way her eyes glistened like tiny pearls,

those tiny hands that would reach out for me,

the way we would snuggle in bed most mornings until 10.

and it hit me, those days are really, truly over.

and while it holds excitement and wonder and adventure for us all,

a time of innocence and newness and babyhood is over.

and i wish now that i had savored those long summer days just a little bit longer, wrapped my hands around the moments and enjoyed them a little bit more.

i won't get these days back...and for some odd reason, there are moments when i think i can.  when they seem that they will be little forever and nothing will ever change.

but it keeps moving, the hands on the clock, the months on that calendar, the seasons that dance and always move on...

and they grow bigger, grow up...past the point of needing me so desperately.

and it's good and needed and something to be encouraged...

but tonight, it settles deep...

the desire for that one chance to slow it all down, to breathe it all in and not wish it all away...

only a few more summer days before we begin a new season of learning.  a few more days to enter into these last few days of unhindered summer...

this chapter is closing and my heart is hurting, expanding, learning that being a mama is an odd mixture of joy and exquisite pain,

and she dances through her days, unaware of it all.

and it's beautiful...

she's beautiful.

and it's good.