he was in my dreams last night.
or rather, i was desperately trying to call him on the phone, but couldn't reach him.
so maybe, more than being in my dreams, it was the desire just to hear his voice.
we'll have been married for 10 years in a little over a month and the images of the father of the man i love are boxed up in wedding albums, kept safe from the dust of time.
and i think back to that day, the one that i dreamed about for most of my life, the one that he officiated and blessed with that twinkle in his eye...
it was that voice i was searching for,
that voice that i was desperate to hear,
and the tears i woke up to gave testament to a heart that is still grieving.
the little ones had already been up for a while, so i crawled out of bed and whispered good morning and opened that door next to mine to find elias, naked as a jay bird, running circles in his room.
there are times when He gives laughter as medicine and it comes in the form of the craziness of small children.
they sat down with full tummies and i sat with a heart empty and my bible laid out in front of me, journal pages filled with pleas to hear...something.
if the father-voice here was no more, then please let me hear the Heavenly One.
and He speaks through the Words on the page and i read of gideon, the least of his own father's home.
and though he is least, he is seen by the One Who Sees and He sits with gideon, speaks with him, waits for him.
to me, that is incredible. Very God waits for the dust He created to come back when gideon asked.
why now? why, when i have read these stories for years, do these words i read undo me completely?
why would He wait?
if not for love?
how quickly did gideon run?
how crazed were his thoughts?
how scared was he that the spot would be empty when he returned?
but God waited.
just like He said He would.
i think how, even today, i forgot to keep my word to my girls.
how after quiet time we were going to make brownies and sit down and eat the batter and let the smell of warm chocolate fill these rooms.
i forgot and they'll remind me tomorrow and i'll make a mental note to remember, but in reality...i still may forget.
and i think of the moments where i think He's forgotten, dropped the ball and walked away.
i think of the moments that He could have stopped or healed or completely changed the outcome...but the outcome remained the same and lives were shattered and broken.
and i wake up with tears on my face from a night of chasing ghosts and i feed small tummies and pour out words on paper because i'm scared He won't show up...He won't speak life into a heart hurting.
and He lets me spill it all out; the fear, the pleading, the confessions and requests, the big decisions needing to be made, until my hand feels weak and my pages crinkle from the weight of my pen and my heart nearly bursts from my desperation for Him...
and He answers.
He answers dust,
~ therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you.
for the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him...
...He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. as soon as he hears it, He answer you.
and though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.
and your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying "this is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. ~ isaiah 30: 18, 19a-21 esv
but in the midst of it all, in the swirling mass of wind-tossed emotions, He hears.
He comes out of hiding...
He promises to direct.
He promises that He will be seen.
i still have his number written down, my mind has the sequence memorized. there are still moments when i pick up the phone to call...
the tears come easy in those moments.
i didn't realize how unsettling it would be to no longer have the voice of a father to rely on to give direction, counsel, wisdom.
there are moments when we feel adrift, a little bit lost.
but then He reminds me of Who He is.
when He lets my words drain me dry so He can pour life back in,
i will hear a voice behind me...
and it is His Voice drawing me close.