Saturday, March 10, 2012

it's almost midnight and if i don't crawl beneath those covers in the  next 10  minutes that second wind is going to hit and i'll be awake until 2...

and i was going to let today pass because sometimes i feel like my words here are too many...and it's another post and another date and another milestone for this family and who really wants to hear about that?

tonight, my heart is heavy.


this past week has seemed filled with tears that i can't seem to explain to a husband who wants to understand, to children who kiss away the wet on this face...

tonight, the emotions feel quiet but need to get out and that's okay.

there is a family member who is passing away,

over that pass.

i don't know her well,

but i love the ones who do.

and i have been here one year today.

one year.

and it's never ending,

this losing and filling;

this feeling of being completely lost

and completely found.

and i don't know how to grasp what is contrasted this evening in the quiet of the dark

as elias tosses and olivia whispers out sleep-nonsense and lyla breathes heavy.

i look at them,

listen to them,

and wonder...

we all end up losing everything here,

everything that's under our feet.

but when we know Him,

we gain everything.

but it's those in between spaces that ache,

when who and where you are is Known,

but not.

tonight, instead of my oldest, it's me who grieves and celebrates,

because i miss what was

but wouldn't trade anything for where we are now.

that town, those friends...

i miss them.

this town, these friends...

are home.

but it's all laced with a hurt i can't place...

i know The One Who led us here.

The One Who knows how to define what i can't.

He sees what i can't,

He stills this soul when i can't sit down...

and maybe...

He allows this ache in the in between

to keep us longing for Him...

longing for Home...