He spoke it in the quiet of the new year. that promise of a new thing;
of a way in the wilderness and rivers in a desert.
i thought He was referencing my circumstances.
i should have known He was looking at my heart.
and it came after those 10 long months of wondering,
those 2 months of deciding it was all done,
it came in the form of that unexpected extra pink line and i sat down,
and a tiny bit scared.
because that day had been filled with all of my failures as a mother,
frustrations and impatience coming to a head and they saw the worst of me, those 3 that want to be so close,
and that smallest one, the one whose body is deep within but whose presence i can't feel except for the green tinged moments and the overwhelming cravings for salt,
and i don't want to mess them up.
all week i've been carrying the burden of that recording playing over and over and over,
you're a failure. you're a failure as a mama.
over and over it played until He stopped it in the dark of last night.
i walked out of the sanctuary of our church and straight into moments only He could have orchestrated ~ five women who reached out and spoke life and hope into a heart that felt as dry and wasted as it has ever felt. and in those words, as the tears started falling and the hope started filling, i felt it ~ i felt those rivers start rushing into the places parched and dying.
when we love Him,we carry Life within us, whether we are mothers or not. we carry the ability to speak Life into the heart of another and who knows if that is the moment that the river is released, if that new thing sparks into being.
this mother's day holds more than i expected or dreamed,
but it is filled with Life, no matter how small.
and no matter how tiny,
hope is dancing in the dark...
happy mother's day...