dear elias...

Monday, June 25, 2012

it was last week while your sisters were at vbs that you and i snuggled together on the couch and i wondered at the length of you - at the boy cradled in my arms.

at the baby who was no longer...

you asked to play monster, which is really just hiding under a blanket and making big eyes at each other, but i let you pull that pink blanket up and over our heads and then our noses touched while you giggled so loudly and tried to pretend you were scared.

it was in that moment, before you pulled the blanket back down to prove to your fearful mother that we were really quite safe that you said it...those words that sunk deep and made the tears come and fall, with your nose touching mine, you whispered,

i love you, mama.

3 years ago, at 4:40 in the morning, you were placed in my arms and i fell madly for the grumpy expression on your face and the sweet spirit hidden deep within your heart.

you have heard me say countless times over these years how much i love you and in the last year or so, you've begun to respond with, you too, mama. the hugs and kisses and sneak attacks prove that you know, that you have felt the same way too, and i've never wondered or worried if i would ever hear the words that you love me.  isn't it enough that you know, deep down, how fully you are loved?

but then, you say it.  in the middle of sheer and utter nonsense, when i am making a total and complete fool of myself for you, that you catch me off guard and remind me that parenting is more than just laying down rules and "hoping for the best"...but it's a relationship that builds and grows and flourishes under the only thing we can be sure of...Love.

i watched you today, as you opened presents and giggled at mater and grumbled at your sisters and got mad at the ice cream that was too cold...i watched and remembered all those moments leading up to *that* moment when i saw your face for the first time.  all the pain, the anguish, the feeling like i couldn't make it was all gone when you were placed in my arms.  and as cliche as it all sounds, i can't imagine what my life was like before you.  you've added to our family in a way that only you have been able to, given a rough and tumble and laid-back edge to a family filled with pink and female drama.  you've given us a balance and you given us your love and today, on your third birthday i want to thank Him for the gift that you are.

you are only three and yet three feels like you have been with us for have my heart and now my pink blanket too.

but you told me you loved me....i would give you the moon.

happy birthday, sweet son.

all my love,