Thursday, March 20, 2008

...i've been doing a lot of thinking today, amidst all the chaos and craziness of trying to wrap up last minute things while 2 small girls are needing my attention. my life is so full. crazy, funny and beautiful full. there are moments like these when it hits me upside the head and i have to sit down and breathe.

in the past 6 years we have moved 5 times. 5 times. 5 new places, 5 new cities to explore and get accustomed to.

but we never set down roots - always wondering where we were going next...my eyes especially were on the next adventure, the next chapter. i struggle with always wondering what's ahead and wanting to get there as fast as i can. there's wanderlust inside of me deep down and i can't seem to quiet it.

i looked down at my two little girls this morning, as lyla was reading a book and livie was pulling herself up on things and trying to walk and marveled at how fast life is going by...and i'm missing it by always looking ahead.

i was asking someone the other day about how to find my purpose...i'm scared i'm missing it. sometimes the mundane, the same routine day in and day out becomes so familiar that the amazing elements fade somehow.

i remember a number of years ago when i was in middle school and one of my best friends lived one street down from where my house is going to be now. i loved her house...i loved the atmosphere that surrounded it. the community amoung the neighbours was comforting. the third best friend in our trio of three and i would meet at the corner near the campus gym and we'd bike up to the house up on the heights. i have such wonderful memories from that time of my life. making prank phone calls (before caller id of course), sleep overs, dreams about our futures and as i wrote my friend a couple of weeks ago, being sure that the pain from biking up the long hill to her house was comparable to labour. now that the three of us have all experienced it, i'm fairly certain that we'd all agree that yes, biking up was more horrid. hmmmm...i don't think so.

what i'm realizing is that my roots were set here a long time ago. i used to dream about living in one of the little houses on the heights...to me, they represent community, comfort, dreams, laughter...family. they have been lived in by so many, laughed in by so many, cried in by so many, that the buildings they were, were made into homes years ago.

for the first time in i don't know how long, i'm ready to settle down. i'm ready to stay put. i'm ready to turn my eyes from what's ahead and focus on what's happening now.

tonight, my little girl is going to sleep in her *big-girl* bed for the very first time. my heart is breaking and yet i feel an overwhelming excitement...because she's going to begin setting down roots too-on the same sidewalks, the same shortcuts, the same horizon stretched out before her, she is going to experience community, comfort, dreams, laughter, tears and family.

i'm truly home in every sense of the word...