i so completely understand.
so i decided to look up the definition of the word that Jesus has called me to do and this is what i found:
to remain; continue; stay: Abide with me.
to have one's abode; dwell; reside: to abide in a small Scottish village.
to continue in a particular condition, attitude, relationship, etc.; last."
my ancestors hail from norway, russia and scotland, what can i say...
abiding constitutes remaining. staying. continuing.
the second definition of having an abode, to dwell and reside quickly takes my mind to
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
okey dokey. so i can comprehend the concept of Jesus abiding with me...but i'm still at a loss as to how does one actually abide?
continuing in a certain condition, attitude, relationship...
now *that* i can get. i don't seem to have any problem with continuing in the certain condition of worry. i don't have a problem with expecting the worst case scenario so that i'm not surprised if it really does happen. i don't have a problem remaining in a negative state of being, one that i know will only bring pain.
so, i have to conclude that if i'm to abide in Jesus, it is going to have to be done in the complete opposite way of how i have always lived my life...
it's funny how each post, each devotional, each thought on abiding that i've come across are written on the days of december 29th-31st, the days that my father-in-law was missing and found, as if my Abba Father wants to confirm His choice of verses for me this year. and for that, i'm grateful.
the post that i came across today comes from this blog, and this is what she has to say about it:
I began to wonder what life would be like if you and I lived (intentionally) in God’s presence. Is that sort of life REALLY doable? I think so. Jesus lived in constant contact with the Father so we can. In fact, in John 15, Jesus tells us to “abide” or “remain” in Him. Think about it. If you and were to acknowledge the presence of God “with us” every moment of every day, our lives would be much different. We would fear less, doubt less, and sin less. We would believe more, trust more, bear more fruit, experience more peace and joy, pray more, and witness more. ~micca campbell
at first glance, the thought of acknowledging the presence of God every moment of every day seems rather...well...impossible.
i have a husband.
i have children.
i have friends, family, acquaintances, telemarketers that all vie for my attention.
how in the sam hill do i ever find the time to acknowledge Him every moment of every day?
and as i continued to read, i realized that it's not sitting piously, quietly in some dark corner while dust bunnies collect and dishes pile up, but it means giving each situation that would cause me worry back to Him. like when i do my laundry, to pray for each person who's clothes i fold. as i walk my children out the door to school or bible study, to ask for God's protection, for His hand to be upon them. to ask Him to be in the midst of my friendships and converstation when we sit down for coffee...
it's making the conscious decision to ask Him to be a part of my life. every part. and instead of speculating about what *could* happen, acknowledging that no matter *what* happens, He *will* use it for good. (Romans 8:28)
and i have to admit, suicide is horrible. it's confusing, painful and something i never, ever want to have to walk through again. but by choosing to trust God, by choosing to remain in a state of relationship of trust with Him, i am given the gift of hope, of peace.
i'm also learning that abiding is a two way street. Jesus tells us to abide in Him as He abides in us. He has given us the example to show us it can be done.
i know i won't do it perfectly. 30 years of being a worried pessimist isn't going to change overnight. but i'm willing. i am so willing to learn. to be changed. to be conformed into His likeness.
and i trust that someday, all the pain, all the tears and brokenness that has brought me to this place will find me in Him...