he said...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

"in the west we cry, 'God, get this trouble off my back.' whereas Christians in the east have been accustomed to cry out instead, 'God strengthen my back to bear it!'". ~j. briscoe

"one of the most tragic ways for a christian to spend her life is to be in the right place with all the right resources but without a willing heart." ~kelly minter

tony said today, after a morning spent wondering and then realizing and then sitting with a heart breaking first in anger and then in sorrow that he knows and is sure we are in the right place and where we should be.

while both of us reel in the wonderment of "why?".

wondering if and when the pain is no longer ours to carry.

i turned the outside light on as tony climbed into the van to pull away; to send an email to the many who must surely wonder how he can bear up under what he found that cold december morning...a light to welcome in the dark, cold evening.

still surprised that i can shine with a light that draws him to my heart over and over again, as i look at where i came from, and the repercussions  that he still faces over that choice of choosing me...

i wait for the sound of his key in the lock as the sleep drenched murmurs of our children make their way down the hall.

a cry that speaks loudly of a need for the mama's nearness, a finger clutched tightly in the grasp of a smaller, clumsier hand.

moments that whisper quietly through the shouts of pain and fear and doubt that yes, in this moment, we are exactly where we are to be.

but always, always, always the question that should be before me, in good times and in bad, "do i trust God enough to follow Him?" do i trust Him enough, in the here and now to so fill my soul-space that fear is edged out...

to lay my worrisome moments as my broken offering at His feet.

to trust that He will strengthen my back to bear what is coming, to fill me with the resources when i come to Him willing and to step out of the way so He can come near and fill me with Him...