Friday, October 15, 2010

i try to fool myself every once in a while into thinking that the storms that seem to have swirled around tony and i for a year are quietly swirling inside our home and no one but those involved are affected.

and then i walk out the door.

or the phone rings with a concerned caller.

or i get a facebook message.


and i want to run away.

or at the very least, bury my head under my pillow and sleep for the next month and wake up to find that the sun is shining and life is grand and fixed.

and i can breathe deeply again without the air being sucked out my lungs again when i remember...

i'm coming to the end of this week feeling tired... restless... apprehensive... spiritually exhausted.

my back has being seizing throughout the last couple of days and after the little ones quiet time today i found that i couldn't get off the couch to go and get elias from his bed.

thoroughly discouraged, i laid there with tears making their way down my face, girls oblivious to the fact that their mama could not move as they snuggled in even closer before the inevitable intrusion of their little brother on their space and time with me.

i eventually got up.

i eventually got supper made.

i eventually took some motrin.

and tony gathered up the girls; coats, shoes and giggles and loaded everyone into the van.

my only job was to clean up.

everything was a disaster.

and i felt overwhelmed at the mountain of mess before me, and if it wouldn't have hurt i would have laid down right in the middle of my kitchen floor and held myself in the fetal position.

instead, i took one dish and placed it in the dishwasher.

then i took one fork.

one knife,

one spoon...

and eventually the sink was empty.

eventually the counter was cleared.

eventually the floor had been vacuumed (which was a huge mistake...).

and in the midst of the physical clutter i turned on some sara, decided against lighting my favorite candle that hates my nose, and tried to talk to Jesus in between gasps of pain.

but my mind wouldn't quiet before Him.  instead, i began to panic...imagining the worst.  feeling abandoned and scared. and then the phone rang. 

and my screen door opened.

and a face i dearly love smiled and handed me some chocolate goodness.

and words i needed to read made their way into my heart.

and i closed my eyes.

and i breathed.

and as i heard the van door open, shrieks and yells and girlish wonder made their way to my ears, i looked down...

in the moment before chaos broke loose once more, my sweet boy was at my feet...his own eyes closed, twirling slowly...

caught in the rhythm of peace...