settled deep into my chest.
when everything in me wishes that i was more joy-full,
more at peace,
filled with faith,
my lungs are barely filling for the tears that threaten to overpower.
a day being loved fully...by family whose blood flows different from mine.
and as i drove away, on a highway swirling with snow, the emotions began to swirl together too.
i pulled into a snow-packed driveway, tired.
walked into a house that no longer feels like mine.
a shell to hold us and our possessions until we are released to the unknown.
i touch the walls as i walk by, releasing my hold on my what ifs.
deciding that if onlys keep the heart pulled down...and i release those too.
but how do you release family?
those who your heart chose?
how do you say goodbye and still remain intact?
the goodbyes have begun and i feel as though my heart is fighting with each beat.
tonight, i know He is here.
i know He is good.
but somehow, tonight, it's hard to see much else...